terminally bored...

When you are in sales long enough you can read people. Their faces and body
language give you cues on what to say next. Things they need to hear and
when they need to hear it. A certain comfort in my voice that they are
doing the right thing at the right time. Outside I have learned to still
own motions and facial expressions. I forget to turn it off when I'm at
home. The kids say that I don't laugh much. They are right. Its not because
I'm mad or sad it is because I have become emotionally still. Some days I
worry that I will become the grumpy old man. Some days I couldn't care
less. I am finding that very few stimulate me like they used to; foods,
drink, television, movies, chocolate, porn, work even the company of
friends (at work). I love my kids and I enjoy being with them but I find my
self terminally bored and tired.
I know that these are symptoms of depression but I don't think that I am
depressed. Either that or I have always been depressed since childhood. I
had a good childhood but it was hard emotionally. The kids made me feel
worthless. In High school I was always part of the outside looking in.
College was fun but I ran out of money to finish. Thats something I have
always wanted to do. Now my focus in my life is my kids and making sure
that they grow up better than I did. I think I'm doing an OK job of that so
far.
This week I get my new vacation days for the year. It turns out that I
have 5 left over from 2006. Those are five days that I could have had off
but worked instead. I think my goal this year coming up is to use all my
vacation days in vacation. Peace. As always forgive the rantings of a
terminally bored mind.

Well of hate....

I grew up in a suburb of Chicago in the 1970's to early 80's. Then the only Mexicans in town were about three families. In a town with 90% Italians. I heard to much puffing and bullshit pride. The godfather, the fonz any thing red with and green. In the early grades they would pick on me and I took it. I had no friends. So I took the hate and put it deep inside. My uncle told me not to fight but to use my mind. ... I did I excelled in classes and recievced better marks than they did. In about 6th grade I went in to a major growth spurt. The dagos stopped growing and I didn't. I also learned how to fight (thanks to the local tae kwon do class). I was done with them. Now it was on, I would often fight with them by the 2s and threes. Sure I came home a mess but so did all three of them. Eventually they left me alone. I would fight with my fist, my head and my hate. Hate is a battery that very few know how to use. It is a caustic battery that can eat you inside if you do not know how to channel it.
The reason I write this today is that I had a few customers today that were total dagos. Like the fucking world owed them a favor. I actually enjoyed mocking what they drove and who they were. I felt sad for them and their sterotypical life. The gold chains and overdone make up. Bad hair that was once popular in the 80's. "No one likes your car thats why the value is so low. Yes it is an import but it is not japanese it from korea. Not so good. " Fuckers. I was also disturbed on how much I wanted to hit this stranger in my space. I could feel the teeth clenching as I entered their information.
What scares my is loss of control. I took martial art classes not for fighting but to control what is inside me. I used to be a cutter. I was a danger to my self and I would have done something stupid if I had not learned how to cope with hate. Enough for now.

In dreams.....

... I walk with you..... In dreams I talk to you....

Close to 7 years ago my Uncle died quite suddenly. He lingered for 7 days in the ICU. We were hoping that he would come out of his coma. My dad said his spirit is lost and needs a way to come home. How true. After his death I had to make all the arrangements for his wake and cremation. With no kids the responsibility fell to me. Strike that,it was my honor to do so. My father was stunned as was the rest of my family. I closed my heart and did what had to be done. At the wake I attended to family and friends the best I could. I was near the washrooms when a little neighbor girl stopped and looked at me with the wisdom of the saint and said "I don't want him to be dead." I dropped to my knees and cried. Every thing I had inside for the last week came pouring out in front of this little one. I cleaned up and went out in my best smile. ..... After every one was gone I stayed and kissed him on the cheek and whispered my goodbyes. Even now his ashes are in my house under my care. Every now and the I'll talk to him and tell him the news of the world. I wish I could have said so many things to him before his demise.

The reason for all this is every now and them he pops in to my dreams. Even in the dreamtime I know he is dead. It is nice to see him even if it is only for a few seconds at a time. Those dreams always knock me for a loop the next day.

Letter to the Universe...

I found this on Craigs list and it made me smile. I love to have a cup of
coffee with cream and sugar in the morning hours before everyone in the
house gets up.

Here ya go....

Letter to the Universe

It's a peaceful Saturday afternoon. I have cooking in the microwave some
instant Pad Thai. I woke up next to my beautiful wife this morning, ran a
quick errand, and came back home. She went upstairs to rest. I sat down and
read for a while and now will be writing. Before I began working I wanted
to go ahead and write this letter to the Universe. Because I had a series
of thoughts. They were, in no particular order:
- I love this peace, and want for it to be perpetual.
- I love this time to sit and read and write, and I want this to be the
rest of my life.
- I want this peace of mind I have at the moment to be multiplied into a
lifetime.
- I want this stress-free energy to be part of me through and through.
- I feel like a millionnaire.
- I feel like this moment, this afternoon is suspended in motion without
being measured in time.
- I thank the Universe for all that I have in my life: my family, my
absolutely amazing wife, my health, my talents, my writing...in general my
life.

So, again a million thanks and thoughts of gratitude. Keep it coming, I'm
ready for it. Life is fantastic.
Love, prosperity, and peace.

cold...the last time 2007

I promise this will be the last time I bitch about the cold...... AArrrrrg. I was outside for about hour hours today with a few customers. The wind SUCKED!!!! My god I feel older when I come in form that type of punishment. My bones hurt, my teeth hurt and are cold, and I swear I could feel ice on my beard...... I do love my job 99% of the time but that 1% it sucks. I'm tire of moving cars. The way a licence plate feels as it chills in your hands. The cracking of salt as you walk and the sound of the wind. ..... ok,thats it. done fini . no more bitching about the cold.
I will talk about bacon. I will talk about dogs I will talk about anything else but I no longer will talk about the cold weather. ((shake it off.... ))
Its rare that a woman make me feel small. No you perv not down there, but in general. In my line of sales I have sold cars to Big men and big women (400+ lbs. Today I sold a car to a woman that was about 6'2". And while not a giant in any way shape or form She was taller than me. (heels?). I was with her for a bit and did sell her a car. It was an odd feeling for me. To actually feel small. I am almost always called big man and such but allot comes from my presence. I know that I project "big" when I talk to people. I use this for my own purpose. I use it to intimidate, I use it to impress and I use it as my own mental defence for the world. But today I was not big and to be made to feel small by a woman felt .... odd.

Hush.....

Sales is a very noisy business. There are days like today when I talked
almost for 12 hours straight. I honed horns and started cars so people car hear the engines (like they know what to listen to). Many times when I get home after long noisy
day I enjoy to sit in front of the computer and look at art sites. No
music, no TV no kids no dogs no noise. I just soak in the quiet peace of
the house. I listen to the way the furnace kicks on. The pumping of the
sump pump and the low groan of the drier turning. A friend once described
it to me as a Captain of a ship taking a tour. Listening the way his ship
groans in the sea.

February is a busy month for us in the sales dept. People are getting their
tax money back and almost all have a need to spend it. People need cars as winter eats up their old ones up. Its
cool because I am busy with work but I'm living my life after dark. I'm living in
the humm of fluorescent tubes. All of are in Winters grip. The dark and
cold just outside of our walls trying to creep in through every uninsulated gap. In a few weeks the days will get longer and
it will be warmer outside. I always look forward to St Pattys day. It is
that day that I consider winter to be over. Its also usually a great day
for friendship. My friends

I had a chance last week to have a dinner with friends. It was good
catching up with most of them. With others it was the same old stories.
Thats ok too. I can see changes in my friends as we get older. I often
wonder what changes they see in me that I don't see my self. Have I become
the old hermit? the crazy basement guy? What I don;t do enough with out
some beer is laugh. I don't play video games. I still read comics and I
continue to read more and more books in my quiet time. I don't dream like
I used to when I was a child. I don't . I don't. I don't. .....

I need to shake off the Winter. I need to do someting positive. ..... Not
sure what but I need to do something.

Where the hell have I been? Well inside as much as possible with all the cold outside. The cold and dark suck at work. I have to dress for the weather for up to an hour outside in the wind. I can stay out more but most customers either know what they want or give it up too quickly. I get home and burrow my way down stairs on to the net. WHat I have been doing is trying to lean Japanese... there cd and I have to say I'm probably butchering my 3rd language. Well I hope you all stay warm and dry. Its tough to do that the last week or so. BTW here's a monkey in a FEZ. Cheers.

2.0

awesome video

Fuck it's cold out...

I was working outside today.
lotion to keep from chaffing
undershirt
black t-shirt
long sleeve shirt
wind shirt ,stops mild wind but offers no cold protection
jacket
parka liner stops string winds and wet.
------
Long underwear
underwaer
thick pants
-----------
hat
gloves
socks
shoes
----------------
It felt like armour. but it was funny , instantly you could feel an air gap inbetween a glove and my parka liner.... I was cold in the face but the rest was bearable for 30-40 minutes if you were moving and the wind didnt hit you like a freight train. .....