terminally bored...

When you are in sales long enough you can read people. Their faces and body
language give you cues on what to say next. Things they need to hear and
when they need to hear it. A certain comfort in my voice that they are
doing the right thing at the right time. Outside I have learned to still
own motions and facial expressions. I forget to turn it off when I'm at
home. The kids say that I don't laugh much. They are right. Its not because
I'm mad or sad it is because I have become emotionally still. Some days I
worry that I will become the grumpy old man. Some days I couldn't care
less. I am finding that very few stimulate me like they used to; foods,
drink, television, movies, chocolate, porn, work even the company of
friends (at work). I love my kids and I enjoy being with them but I find my
self terminally bored and tired.
I know that these are symptoms of depression but I don't think that I am
depressed. Either that or I have always been depressed since childhood. I
had a good childhood but it was hard emotionally. The kids made me feel
worthless. In High school I was always part of the outside looking in.
College was fun but I ran out of money to finish. Thats something I have
always wanted to do. Now my focus in my life is my kids and making sure
that they grow up better than I did. I think I'm doing an OK job of that so
far.
This week I get my new vacation days for the year. It turns out that I
have 5 left over from 2006. Those are five days that I could have had off
but worked instead. I think my goal this year coming up is to use all my
vacation days in vacation. Peace. As always forgive the rantings of a
terminally bored mind.