.....Bad Wednesday.....

I heard the news today , oh boy. 600 jobs lost from the company I work for.
I really do not know what to say. I have never been in a company that has
done this. I know that times are tough, that things are way off course. I
have not looked at my 401 because I know that I will want to scream. Gas,
election,bailout, credit crisis, this that and the other.................
I'm going to confess something publicly or at least semi publicy....
the reason I had sold my gun was not only to pay bills , but because the
thought of me putting the barrel in my mouth and pulling the trigger was
growing strong. I am not a person of light. I have always been a dark
person. With everything going on I could feel things just piling up on me
mentally. I know I have been in and out of depression spells. Who hasn't
... but this last year is really is killing me. I feel lost. I feel like a
bad parent because I have to tell my kids - Sorry we cant afford this or
that. Granted its things they do not need - Wii, Disney etc, but its things
that I would love to give them.... I feel like a failure at work even
though I'm going ehhhh ok....I feel like I'm in a nose spin and about to
smack bottom..... I know I'm not alone. There are people that are worse
off....and that I am blessed by what I do have. I'll also tell you that I
have not have had a drink in almost 4 months.... I'm actually afraid that I
will not stop. I did have 2 beers with my sloppy joes last week ,but beer
is different.
Listen I'm sorry for the rant - I just needed to vent..... I know
things will get better , but when?????

PS do not worry.... my head IS screwed on right.... no need for a suicide
intervention...

NO ones and zeros.....

Well I'm off the INTERNET again. I had a doohickey that gave me free
INTERNET and it was cool for about 6 months. It does not work for me any
more. I have to check if it will work some where else some one with cable
but with no INTERNET. So with that going on I'm down to checking emails at
the library about 3 times a week, either before work or after. I guess
thats OK because I was burning allot of time hitting "stumble upon" until
my eyes watered from being up for way too long. I was thinking that I do
have a touch of INTERNET addiction.
Its a catch 22; I use it for nothing more than entertainment and what I
really want it for is for the kids. But their too young to read well.
Times is tough and you have to decided between needs and wants. Do I want a
IPOD Touch- hells yea. Do I need it? No, not at all. Do I want a new ULTRA
portable lap top with WI FI built in? Again, Hells yea...but lap top I have
now gets little use outside of me going out of town and using it as a media
center.
I have limited access at other places so I can always get the news, but
browsing for fun is out right now. I'm looking in to the ATT line up , but
the last time I dealt w/ DSL it was a headache. Rabbits were chewing the
cables outside......

Classic....

THE EARTH MONKEY 1908 AND 1968

These Monkeys are pretty by-the-book. They are diligent, motivated individuals, honest and trustworthy. They are calm and collected, genuinely concerned for the betterment of others. They are serious about their occupations and their friendships and are more dependable than most. Earth Monkeys devote themselves completely to causes and people they love and believe in. They don’t have much of an ego because they are such genuine human beings. They demand respect and can pitch a fit if not shown what they believe they deserve.

The wrong side of 40......

My 40th birthday came and went with out much fanfare and thats good. The days leading up to it as well as the day itself were dedicated to my kids. We had a small party for them. School mates , family and godparents. Even with that we had 12 or so kids I had to entertain. We did the egg toss and piñata , watched a bootleg version of Iron man and they all had a good time.

     I was given some nice gifts from my parents. I asked them for a photo of them when they were young. One is of my mom holding me when I was about 4 or 5. She was beautiful. My sister looks just like her. The other was my dad, I'm guessing him to be about 25 or so. I don't really remember him having 100% black hair.

     I also got a nice bottle of blended scotch , a 40 oz of some malt liquor and some nice cigars.  The kids gave me a nice dad shirt......It was a good day. The bad part was all the bugs outside, dear god. Even while sprayed I was bitten over 15 times.

     I was asked by a friend what I would like to have as a gift when I turned 40.... I gave her a private list, but I think this list would be good too. Its not a lot to ask for even though some things are impossible to get......

1. My youth back. Youth is wasted on the young....I have one or two regrets. School and my spine.
2. My time lost back.  Work is work, but I want to see my kids grow up I want to hang out with friends.....
3. 50 lbs off of my body. Enough said.....
4. 1 gillion dollars (in my best Dr evil voice)....I'd take 3 million cash in the bank. That would set me for life.....
5. Better clothes. With work cloths work 90% of the time I just do not dress any more. I often come home, put on a pair of shorts and just sit.
6. Nice shoes. Shoes that I don't have to worry about destroying with work chemicals. Dark red/brown leather and a new pair of doc Martin's
7. 3 new tattoos. An arm band made with the "barrel of monkeys- monkeys", gears right on my knees and a cross.
8. time to learn a new language - proper Spanish, French, Japanese, Italian, Chinese
9. money to take a vacation or live in the country where I learned the new language
10. about $2000 loose money to bring up the cars to as new as they get. I love the Jeep and the Toyota but the kids are hard on the cars. If not I'd take a new Camry and Santa Fe.
11. RK surgury....still a big if, teeth whiting and a new crown and a touch of lipo.....Vanity thy name is man...
12. a work shop like the one on myth busters, god I love those guys........
13. I'd like a pop up/teardrop camper and some one to go with me to see the USA.....
14. The keys to a comic shop and one week to read what I have missed....
15. I'd like to finish my degree......
16. Honesty from my sister.....-long story--
17. I'd like a new hand gun. A colt python .357......I sold mine and I miss him.
18. I'd like a pedicure and full massage. I like to be pampered-not sexually just to be groomed by a professional.
19. I'd like to throw a big party for my friends, all of them....Downtown in a nice bar. Drinks, smokes and dinner.
20. I'd like to be healthy enough to dance at my sons wedding. Hold my grand kids and see my sons 50th birthday.

I have reached a point in my life where I don't really need too many things in my life to keep me happy. I'm touching zen.

40 is here. The one thing that I have to remember I am running on limited time. I have to keep my self in better shape if I want to be here for my kids 50th. Thats about 45 years from now.  I feel old when it rains, but at least I'm alive to feel.....

Peace and thanks for the ducks......

me time and lack of sleep.....

'I've been kind of out of it these past few days. Its like the worlds
collapsing in slow motion. I just do not want to turn on the TV or computer
when I get home from work. I just do not need any more bad news in my life.
I'll tell you something, I feel hollow inside. Maybe its the seasons
changing, maybe its just me getting older. I just feel empty. Fixing the
kids breakfast, dressed for work, work, go home, eat, watch TV and go to
sleep. I do this close to 30 days a month. Where is my time? When can I
have a do nothing day? Lay in bed for 24 hours? Play video games? When I
do have time its after 830pm after the kids are in bed until midnight (my
usual bed time).
I guess 3 hours are not that bad, I have to make better use of that
time? Ride my bike more? Work out again? read? learn something?
I'm sorry to rant, I slept really bad last night. My youngest had an
earache last night that started as he went to bed. He slept next to me and
just about cried as he slept. I avoided the ER because I knew that there
was not anything that they could do for him. This morning he awoke just
fine as if nothing happened. I'm a wreak here at work. I'm starting to see
things out of the corners of my eyes. I'll get some sleep and I'll be
fine.....

step on a crack....

Cr@p!! It happened again, I threw my back out. I actually felt it
happen in slow motion. I was in the kitchen an turned and took a breath in.
I could feel something in my spine slide sideways and then I felt the pain.
It hurts , but I took a pain med right away. It feels like a combination
between having to crack your back and having a cue ball stuck inside. Like
a hard lump in your spine. Now I really feel old. It hurts to stand, to sit
to lean back and to lay down. I'm making old man noises.....ahhh , ehhh,
oohhh, aacchh.
Its been 22 years since I did this to my own spine. About twice a year
I have penance for the past and suffer a bad back. I was in the hot shower
within 5 minutes of it popping on me. I think that helped before it got
worse....
My internet is down again...So I am limited on what and where I log in
on. Thats OK. It will get me out of the basement and in to the real world
at night. I would come home after working and just use stumble upon until
my eyes teared up and I was not able to see straight. I LOVE/HATE that
feature. Its like crack because 90% of the sights shown to me are something
that I enjoy... I may switch over to ATT internet/TV. One guy has it here
at work and I need to see how he likes it and for how much...
**********************************************
I got lucky at home with the floods... no water or seepage in the basement.
The sump pump was going off every 4 minutes. The pond by the house is way
high. Actually the highest that I have ever seen since I have been there.
In town they closed all the bridges I think 5 in all so getting around town
was a pain in the tush.
I hope you all stay dry and stay healthy..... Peace

????

--Its been awhile since actually posted here. I'm trying not to be
negative in my posts, so it makes things hard to write about. Times is
tough out there...that all I got to say about that.
Its birthday season at the house and I've been baking brownies for
school. Its a good thing. The boys are happy and I'm happy. I turn 40 in a
few weeks. The better part of that is that the boys birthday party is on
that day. It takes pressure off of me. Mentaly 40 was going to be hard.
I'm trying to lose weight and get in better shape. Thats going to be a
long hard road... but its do able. I'm also reading more. I'm reading two
books at a time. I kinda need a break from one book for a day or two and
flip back to the other one. I guess its like the way I watch TV.
The new season just started and I need to see which one get my vote...
its still way early for this one.. I'm looking forward to fringe, heros and
bizzare foods...
Ok folks -- peace and stay positive...

Test

Email test.... I've been getting bounce backs so .... Test, test , test 1,
....

7 years of shit....

Its been 7 years and we still have to go through this every time. The name roster , the bells, the telivised crap on the TV . I'm done with 9/11. 7 yeras later and were still in Iraq and afaagistan.... for what? Bin laden? Oil? its all crap..... I know who I'm voting for and its sure as shit not palin and mc same..... Its time to rebuild and move on..... let bring our boys home and work on rebuilding the USA....

Attracting the odd.

My Saturdays are pretty normal. I go to work at 9 and come near 9pm. Sometime within the 12 hours I'm at work I sell a car or two. Today was no different, I come home at about 9:20 and I see something on the porch. I can't quite make it out from the headlights alone. I get out of the car and I see a rather large (about 2 ft high) clay bust of a chimpanzee. I had to touch it to make sure it was real. I went in the house - no note about the monkey. SO I had some late dinner and went to sleep. 5 am comes around and my wife calls me to tell me she made it to work. I ask her about the monkey on the steps, she has zero clue. 8 am comes around. I start to open up the house and take a look outside. Yup its still there. I make my son french toast and bacon, while he eats I actually go outside and take a look at my new chimpy friend. It is a statue made of clay that is a chimp bust. I lift it and it is damn heavy. I'm guessing 35 pounds and it was built on a frame work of 2-3 bricks. I move it to the side of my house and give a friend a call. I'm guessing he went to 2 brothers brewery and dropped off the monkey. Nope. I call Hecky - Nope. Tom wont come west of RT 59 and tony don't drive. According to Hecky Mick too lazy to do it. My wife closed teh front door about 7pm and I got home at 930.... I'm going to guess it was just a random weird thing. I'm planning on painting it like the joker for Halloween. I did ask my neighbor to see if by chance he did it as a mild prank. He looked stunned. Nope. My wife was a little freaked out become someone came on to the stoop with the kids at home.... I don't think this was meant as a hostile thing......