not sure....

i am just ranting down some thought that need to come out .. sorry if it makes no sense.


after thanksgiving i tried somthing. i would only contact people that contacted me first and the only through the same media that I was contacted in. in the last month and a half I have only made very few phone calles outside of family and work. Today I was contacted by my uncle from texas to let me know that my aunt (his sister ((my moms sister )) is dying of cancer. Shes fought a long time with it .. for 20 years. in that time it has claimed both her breasts and caused her bones so brittle that she one broke both legs. The chemo and radiation caused this. now it had finally caught up with her and had spread in to her throat and lymph glands. Last night she was not expected to live. She did. She is supposed to go to hospice today. I spkoe with my mom tonight. its been a long time since we had spoken for any length of time. Afterward my dad thanked me for helping my mom on what is comming in the next few days. ----- sometimes i wonder how i became the person that the family comes to when in trouble. Is because i keep my self cold inside. because i can and have shut things down so i can do what needs to be done? i had to be the one to mak e arrange ments for my uncle 5 years ago. i hadd to pick out the casket and be there.I was the last one to say good bye at the funeral home. I kept his ashes. .... I did not let my self cry until i was alone... im not sad. i kinda dont know how to feel right now. im tired but i cant sleep. i had a long hard day at work then they spring this on me. now today i find out that another uncle has prostate cancer and parkinsins (sp?). great just fucking great. today I felt like a whore at work. I had to deal with a person that I just hated. some dick from NJ. spanish and gypsy perhaps. I could smel a scam happening but I could not figure iut where. but I smiled at his stupid jokes and drve him to his moms for downpayment money-- sure I was paid well for it but I hated this guy .... maybe I just hate mexicans ( now stop !!! ) before you yell at me I am Mexican , but i was born here. I guess I am starting to hate helping people who cant speak english , who dont have a licence or SS # to run credit. I dont know -- my dad and mom made sure that I spoke english and spoke it well. It cost me my accent, when I speak spanish I have NO accent. It sounds tecnically correct , but very anglo. kinda weird to explain. listen I know im spouting off in all directions but I just needed to empty my head and get some thoughts in some order.