Longviews and short sights.....

I received a chain email from my old high school email list on how "were taking America back". Some trip about prayer at foot ballgames , if your an atheist just dont listen , if your Muslim just deal with it your in the USA. I snapped back. I was angry. Freedom of religion is also freedom from religion. This right wing BS about religion. Their blue eyes , blond jesus... I let them know that the days of Ozzy and Harriet are long gone by. It also made me laugh and realize on how angry I am inside. What am I angry about? The right wing? "White culture" in America? How dumb we have become as a country? The fact that we look to the good old days on the 1950's through early 1960's? instead of looking forward. We lost ourselves once we lost the long view. China has a long view of things. What I mean by that is that they see things for the next 30-50 years. We don't look past the next year in politics or economy.

This is a different country than what our fathers grew up in. Neither red nor blue. I think that White America is becoming more and more threatened as they have to deal this the world as a whole. You will have Hindu/Arab/Mexican/African neighbors. Not every one who has (or does not have) color in his skin a criminal. Your neighbor may go to temple, mass, church, mosque or not go at all. You will drive an American or an imported car. The country of the United states is a world wide country with affairs across the globe. We as a people of the USA are not. We don't travel well outside our own subdivisions. There is no taking back of anything. We have degraded ourselves and show the world ourselves on TV on COPS, Jessica Simpsson TV, Cheaters, Amazing Videos (road chases) and jackazz.  We have very little food,wine,drink, dance, music culture. Mmmm mmmm  Bud lite and quarter pounders. We worship hiphop,nascar and country singers we admire the culture of a quick fix instead of a real fix.   We can do so much better..... We have so much potential to be what the world wants and not what the world hates. 

**Rant Off**

Sorry - just blowing off steam. I'm off the soap box any one else can use it.  Peace.

The DR. will see you now...

Its been awhile since I've been to the Doctors office for a check up. Its only been 1 year but it always seems longer.I needed to come in for the flu shot and the tetnus shot as well. In the office the nurses gave me the usual head to toe once over. I'm taller than I was by .25 inches. I think I'm losing the curve in my neck or spine. The good news is that I weigh 17 pounds less than 1 years ago this month. Granted I'm still big, very big, but its a start. The Dr and I spoke at great length about my health. It turns out that for a fat guy I'm a healthy guy, low cholesterol , low sugars in the blood, Blood pressure is fine I'm just fat. I weigh 100 pounds over my BMI says I should and even thats equal to my old high school wrestling weight. My goal is actually attainable of a 25% BMI loss over 1 yr. As it stands today I need only 58.5 pounds in 11.5 months. The Dr said I should shoot for a loss of 10-12 in each of the first 2 months then after that the loss gets harder. I should look at 8 the third then 5 and 3 or so in the following. All in all I need to drop about 5.25 a month in the course of 1 year. He wanted to give me mental preparation so I would not be depressed when it the slow down happens. 

I know this is boring you with the details and not my usual banter, but its important to me. This all leads back in to my fear of insanity and brain damage. Being overweight and having BP problems killed my Uncle 7 years ago. He died suddenly, well his brain died suddenly his body died 7 days later. I think I have a problem with lingering death. The tubes and wires. I hate hospitals my self. If you know me you know my story. Sometimes the smell of strong disinfectant gets to me.  So that why I'm trying to change my life. Its not a drastic change just a smarter change.  Small changes over time are what it takes. A single large change would work but the chance of a back slide would be much greater than smaller ones.

I have 2 people that I know that have done drastic changes. The stomach band procedure was done. One is a former Highschool cheerleader that I knew through highschool. I think she lost control after highschool. For awhile I felt sorry for her but I still  hold a grudge on how nasty she was in Highschool. The other is a guy that I work with, he has lost over 200 lbs. Thats great but he looks so unhealthy. I guess you still have to hit bottom before getting better.  For awhile I considered that surgury. Thats a bit too hard core for me I still like the occasional late night gyro (no onions, double sauce + tomato).

OK thats about it for me right now.

Carrier lost ...

I've been without the internet at home for a bit. It always seems to
snowball when things happen. At first they said it was the signal, then the
cable modem now it could be the computer. Its not a big deal really. I'm
thinking about shutting it off at home. I've been going to sleep slightly
earlier. I still watch my TV and check emails and web sites, but now I have
to be selective on what I read online. I'm on some one elses time.I take my
lap top to a hot spot or goto the local library to use their service. Im
99% sure that Im going to drop my provider and just use my GMAIL addy for
email. Yea sure I won't be able to download ,but all I have to do is ask
over a dozen of people and I can get a rip of what I want. I often wonder
could I cut out TV as well? My neighbors do with out. They still get net
flix or block buster for movies and certain shows on DVD. I miss reading
books. I just dont make the time for it. I'm not going to say have the time
because thats not true, I need to make the time. Everyboy has time that
they need to make their own again.

-----------------
I often think about how much convience I can do without. Right now about
90% of my meals are home made. Perhaps 1 or 2 meals a week are take out or
from fast food. I know thats been helping me in my weight loss. The trans
fats and excess sugars and oils. I've been enjoying cooking more for my
self and the kids. Im my line of work I would eat like crap beacuse of the
timetable. Get out of work 9 or 10 pm then eat or roll through a window on
the way home. Now I have something waiting at home for me. Sure I still
have to nuke it but so what. Ive been using more spice instead of salt in
foods and thats been helping as well. I really do need to sit and DL my
meal photos on line. Ive missed a day of a few meals but I have logged them
in a note. I have noticed that I do drink way to much soda. Yea its diet
but its too much.Its hard on the kidneys- all the colors and excess stuff
in the can. I need to make my self drink more water, not koolaide, or
lemon ade or iced tea but real H20. That will help me as well.
----------------------------------------
There has been way too much gun play on TV news in the last few days. The
Shootings in Wis, PA and now the 8 year old that brought a 38 to school....
I have a gun. It's a .357 magnum colt python and it really kicks A$$. I
have it locked and the ammo it stored away from it. At what age do I have
the gun talk with the kids? I also want to take them to learn how to shoot
a bow as well. Are these lessons from a time gone by? There is a book out
there that I need to get. Its from England called the most dangerous book
for boys. It teaches "lost arts" of boyhood. Tree forts, how to light a
fire, make a sling shot,skip stokes, play kick the can and whittle wood
with a knide real old school things. Things that have fallen along the way
side with TV and the internet in the sterile world.When is the last time
you heard the term Blood Brothers? Do you remember when kids would do that?
Cut each others finger or palm and shake the blood together? I was upset
that the US version of the book took out how to make a trebuchet (like a
catapult). Why would they do that? I want the English version.....I'd help
my boys build a trebuchet.
--------------------------------

What was that again?

I feel like I'm going insane..... I swear for the last three days I have
forgotten what day it was. Sunday? Monday Saturday? I'm starting to lose
it. This is my second biggest fear; Insanity. I could deal with OCD and
small things like that. But to lose total touch with reality. To lose the
day or year or ones self. I have had nightmares about people doing an
operation on my brain. Losing who I am with the stroke of a knife blade. A
lobotomy is 100% frightening to me. Like cutting firm
jelly.....**SHIVERS**. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and lost it. It was
hard meeting her. I was 24 or so when I went down to Mexico to finally meet
her. My Uncle told me that she did remember my dad at all (hes the youngest
of his family). It was horrible to see that. To know that my dad was
completely forgotten by his own mother. My dad was used to it , he knew
about her illness for 25+ years. A slow erasure of memories, of the past.
Good things and bad. Some people fear Cancer ,some fear the dark, some even
fear clowns; I fear my own insanity.

One wish??????.....

Its a ruse, the weather in Chicago is HOT. Its about 85 degrees
outside. Way outside the normal range for this time of year. A little over
a year ago I was in Ohio for my birthday. Cold. Dark. Rainy. Foul. I sat in
a hotel with a large domino's ham pizza, liters of coke and a box of little
fudggys. It was kinda depressing. This year my knuckle head friends took me
out for drinks and a Mexican meal. Too many drinks and much much food was
had. Some dark drinks followed ahhhh real beers. Anyways tomorrow I have to
force my self to put the yard items away and get ready for the real fall
weather. In less than 5 days it will be 58 degrees or colder with lots of
rain to follow. Its going to get cold fast. ....As depressing as it is I
love that weather. Its real to me. Alive. Ever Changing.

****************************************shift**********************************

In a recent letter I was asked by a friend if I has a birthday
wish what/who would it be. Let me blow the candle out and think a bit.
Outside of the usual $1,000,000,000, fame, power , houses and cars I really
don't know. One more night with her? One night , one minute, one second. A
kiss can change the world. I miss her , not in a crazy obsessive
psycho kind of way,but when the night is still and the late
Summer/Fall comes around I think about having a beer with her and the
things that followed. A hand hold and light touch, a smile and a
blush. She would lean in and kiss me on the lips..... Would I want a
night in Vegas? New Orleans?Memphis? Outside in the Grand Canyon? San
Fran? A sex club? B&D? S&M? Would I want a 7 course meal with great
wines, drinks and desserts? 3 nights in a spa? A bath in melted
chocolate?

Would I want to finish my tour of all 50 States? Tour of the World?
Dinner with the Dali Lama? Pee on the wailing wall? Kill a man with my bear
hands? (just checking if you were paying attention). Would I want to do a
redo in life? 1 yr? 2 yrs? 5 yrs? 10 yrs? Would I want to be 35? 30? 25? 21
again? 25 was not too bad, I was slimmer and the world was a different
place. Things were good then. I was still free in spirit and time.
Surrounded by different friends that I miss dearly. Granted I almost died that
year, but it was a good year. What would I want? What would I want? Do want
any thing any more in life? Would I wish to finish my degree? One
wish. Its sad I
can't think of one wish for myself. Aladdin had three and I can't come up
with one that I would just enjoy guilt free. This is bad... Its like
I'm thinking of the
would of's , could of's and should of's. Enough of that. No regrets. As for
Birthday wishes, you can't say otherwise it won't come true.

************************************Shift.**********************************************

I've been watching this seasons TV and enjoying some shows; Heros,
Bionic Woman, Pushing up daisys , Smallville, Supernatural and Reaper. All
enjoyable and some will do well some will fall by the wayside. Reaper
reminds me of BRIMSTONE from FOX only much much lighter and funnier. Battle
Star will start soon and I do hope its good. It is its final season. Finish
when your on top. Seinfeld know how to do it (bad ending).
I really need to go out and seen a killer movie. One that will stay with me
for awhile. I have not seen that in quite a bit. The last movie that I
needed to see over and over was Dawn of the Dead. I'm looking forward to
Diary of the Dead by Romero. That should be killer. As far as I understand
its a re-do on the whole zombie legend. The Zombie Diary was not too bad.
That one was from the UK; think 28 days later + The Blair Witch project.
Low budget, but fun.
I have taken pictures all this week of what I have eaten. Its
a hard thing to do. I have only missed photos of 2 meals in the last 4
days. Having the camera at home and at work ready to go when you about to
eat. People at work give me a sideways glance when I take a snap shot.
Portion control is a bear. I'm so used to extra portions, biggie this ,
biggie that and double stacks that a real portion seems so small. Like I'm
being cheated. I saw a photo of MC Donalds sodas in a photo. The photo
showed that what is the mid size soda was one the large soda 15 + years
ago. The small soda became the kids drink everything became bigger. Now
every thing is 32 oz or bigger. Way more that is needed for a meal. I
almost think that people have forgotten what its like to be hungry. Its not
a bad feeling to know. Its hard to control but not impossible. People in
the US want instant gratification. The quick pill "Trim spa baby!!". That
corpse was a spokes person for that pill. How many did she take and how
much lipo? I need to get down to a decent weight or at least lower in fat
%. There is a guy at work that is much shorter than me who had the stomach
band surgery. He is much shorter than me and at one time he weighed close
to 600 lbs. Thats twice what I weigh right now. Thats massive. How much pain
was he in? How was his life? Anyways thats enough for now. Take care.

Peace.

10 print "Hello" , 20 go to 10 ....

It funny on how much one depends on the internet now. I am having trouble
at home with my internet connection. I think I need a new cable modem I
should be live again today or by Friday. Its no big deal, but it feels like
I am partaly cut off from the world. One eye to night. No emails, no quick
view on whats at the theaters, no mapquest,no chats , no stumbling, no
streaming movies and no place to put my thoughts. I was looking at some old
emails that I kept from people, Emails with pictures mainly (even one from
David prowse ((Darth Vader, look it up)). I came to realize I have had an
email in some way shape or form for over 10 years and have been with some
form of computer at my house since 1982. I used to write in basic and
cobol. Both self taught and formal classes. Thats a long time to develop an
interdependance with a technology. Granted I could go to the library or to
the local Mc Donalds or even Buffalo wild wings (they are "Hotspots"). In
theory I could even drop internet access at home and just do that, but I've
grown to want it at home. Please notice I used the word want instead of
need. There are differences. My kids do not yet need it for school. I could
browse outside, check emails and tend to what needs to be done all outside,
but the at home convience will be lost. Its a thought but I might do that.
Perhaps if I can talk the clubhouse to become a hotspot that might help?
Hell I think I could talk them in to droping the $100 needed to do that.
Time to get writing.
**The pictures of my foods are going well. I need to upload what I have
done this week. This week I am focusing in portion control. While some
meals may look large that are typical salads with little dressing or a rice
dish. I've started walking when I get home and some light lifting. Square
one. 6.5/month.

365, 364, 363...

363 days and counting before I turn the dreaded forty years old. Forty times around the Sun since I was born. 14600 times spinning around the Earths axis. I want to finish some goals in the course of 1 year. Physical goals and maybe some mental goals. I want to drop 25% BMI. For me thats about 77 lbs in 1 year. That works out to be about 6.5 lbs lost per month with out the addition of muscle mass. It sounds do able ..... last time I quite because my shoulders were killing me. Truth be told , I was not put together well. I have always had bad joints. Its easy to skip one day, easier to skip two and not even a mention to bypass a week. I need to keep my self mentally motivated. I want to try to learn a new language. The question is what would I like to learn? I could always polish up my Spanish. I can speak it and understand it, but I speak it like an Anglo. The accents are wrong and some of my verbiage and tenses are off. Italian? French? Both are Latin based? Maybe Latin itself? Its a dead language but the root of three modern languages. German? No, no use for it. Chinese? That may be the way to go. One fifth of the worlds population and new Superpower. Also I like the foods. Japanese? would I use it? Probably not but the accents are very similar to Mexican Spanish. Indian? Too many sub dialects. I do like the foods as well. Arabic? Useful ? Maybe is we are in the continuing war.
I would also like to get at least one new tattoo. I do not know what just yet, but I do know I want one. I want to do some alone time camping by my self. 3 days out in the woods. Just me and some time away from the world. I am going to San Francisco for three days but when? I'm too busy to take vacation.... isn't that a laugh.  Too busy to relax.  I need to move "taking time for myself" up my priority list.  I started something new today as well. It's not my idea or even a new idea.  I am going to try to photograph what I eat every day and list it on a blog as well as a picture of my face. These are two items that should be easy to do if I remember.  I'll post what blogs those are if you are that bored and want to see what I'm eating....... The person that I saw the photos of him self took them over a five year period. The food blog photo person did it to lose weight. I thought those were both a keen idea.  As always thanks and take care of your self.....

39 and counting....

Well I've done it .... I've grown older again. Im 39 years old. When I was
a child in 3 or 4th grade I would look forward and see that the year 2000
was 30 years away, a life time away. We are 7 years past that and the clock
never stops. I thought I would never see past 30 if I was lucky. I remember
my dad at 39 looking old. Do I look old to my kids? Some of my joints are
starting to hurt when the weather changes. I'm turning gray when I didn't
think I could. ..... The other think I'm doing is trying to stay young
through my sons. The playtime and movie time, stories and games. I need to
stay young at heart. Now "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!"

6 years.... and we still have the blackeye

We were slapped in the face 6 yrs ago today. Part of the country dies that day. we also came to realize that we were not untouchable. The stabbed us in the heart and hit 3 targets and used 4 of our own planes. 3000+ people lost their lives that day and more continue to die each day from health issues. In the war we have lost over 3000+ soldiers and more continue to die. If you watch the news we are no longer reporting soldiers deaths. Its still going on people . This last Sunday I said good bye to one of my dearest friends and the godfather to my eldest. My 7 year old asked him if he was going to the war. ... Fuck, I'm tired of it. This has lasted longer than WW2 and slowly reaching Vietnam length. 6 Years later and we are no closer in catching bin ladin. What are we going to do if we do catch him. Life in prison? We can't kill him , he would be a martyr to the nut bag cause.... Fuck we are in a no win situation. If we leave Iraq we leave it a breeding ground for anti American camps. If we stay we die a slow death.... any way Never forget and pray for our soldiers both men and women to come home.

nothing of importance

work work work worok work wokr eork ...... it just will not end. the daily grind of people. IN the last week I have done nothing of any importance. Its sad but I feel like I do this 52 times in a week. Nothing. No one wants to hear about my boring existence. The only highlight was a wine party my friend had. We cracked through about 12 or more bottles and people brought lots of cheese. Im not talking kraft singles but well ripend french cheeses , aged goat cheeses, procuttio de parma, olives. I used to work for a Specialty grocery market and my own specialty was wines and cheeses. Man I did not realize how much I had missed the products, the smells and flavors. Wow... I did a quick calculation and I am estimating that on the low end I cut about 15-22,000 lbs of cheese. Thats a lot of cheese......

The kids are down state again visiting gramps and grand ma before the leave for florida again. Im down to having creamed corn and baking power in the fridge. The part that kills me is that I can cook rather well, I am just too lazy to cook for my self. I love cooking for the family but for just me why bother... arrg I want to win the lottery and have food broght to me just like the president..... a quick call and suddenly a hot corned beef sandwich is at your door....