Ghosts in the graveyard....

I went to bed yesterday and something very strange happened. Once the
lights went off everything was red. Eyes open or closed everything was red.
I could see shadows and red, nothing more. I did not look in to a light
before I turned everything off. It was all wrong, like my dreams creeping
in to my waking world. It took awhile before it went away. I was spooked
like it was a precursor to a stroke.

My dreams have been more odd than normal in the past few weeks. Dreams of
rats and spiders. I can see my childhood home with its tall ceilings and
rafters. I know its Halloween season so thats more likely than not leaking
in to my mind.

I've been watching way too many horror movies and loving it. Hellraiser,
vampire movies, aliens, goosebumps, lots of devil movies and of course
several of the Halloween movies. I've enjoyed more of the Japanese horror
movies in the last few years. The Ring and Pulse stand out. The Asian
horror is unnerving because their horror is not western based. No typical
demons and priests battling. Their ghosts hate go deeper emotionally than
ours do. Old ghosts have more power.

I think there is a ghost in my house. I believe its my uncle. Every now and
then I will smell cigarette smoke inside when no one else is home. Nothing
sinister about it but just a little odd.

I hope you all have a great All Hallows Eve. Enjoy.

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday!!!! How old are you now? 21? 22? 23?..... Any how I hope it
was a good one. Enjoy your day.

Need vs want...

Well I did it. I  unplugged from the world, I disconnected my Internet. I took some time and tallied up what I did on line vs what I need to do online. I decided that just sitting there and tapping "stumble upon"  button while watching TV was not the greatest use on the Internet. I did DL movies and songs, but I think this will keep me out of trouble as well. I got a nasty letter from Comcast for trying to download the "Six million dollar man" w/ Bigfoot for a friend. I still have access to the internet and emails when I need them. I still keep up with the news and Internet sites that I need to visit. I have actually changed my email to a GMAIL account its universal and has a ton of space and better yet its free.

Its funny dropping the internet is like breaking an addiction. You want to just turn it on and sit. You want to flick a switch and do nothing important.  You don't mind just sitting with the monitor flickering in from of you.  Its more seductive than TV because you control it or at least it lets you think you control it.  The internet is fun but what am I actually drawing from it? As of right now , not too much. Some chuckles but really a whole lot of nothing that can wait til morning.  When the kids get a touch older I may switch back, but right now they don't need it.

Just by cutting the Internet off I am in bed close to 1-2 hours earlier. I now drop off after Family guy or Futurama.  The bad part is that I am up earlier as well.  My dreams have been all funky as of late. I can't put my finger on it but they are not healthy.  Dreams of Dr's and wires in my head. Its all in flashes of memory so I can't get in to detail. I'm sleeping uneasy.

I've been doing well in my eating not so well in my photo shoots of my food. I have to make more of an effort to have the camera on the table and take it with to work with me.  I know it has helped. I've been avoiding fast food for a couple of weeks now. I did have a eggamuffin last week. Part of me craves fries from Micky D's. I know its that sugar , salt and fat. I can almost taste the fry in catsup loaded w/ salt.  Thats another addiction that has to be controlled.

  I control several addictions well; Smoking - 1 smoke per day. Drinking - 1 alcoholic beverage with a meal. Soda- Diet soda. Fast foods- only when absolutely necessary. I still am addicted to flesh. That is a hard addiction to keep under wraps. Its so easy to watch.  Ladies always look good. A quick glance of cleavage, a smile,lips  or leg peeking out from under a skirt. This is an addiction that will be the end of me if I let it.  I always think how easy it would be to talk to some one in to going out for a drink. For a quick lunch. For a ......  all it take is a weak moment on either side. 

Everyone has an addiction;some may not realize what they are addicted to. A cup of coffee in the AM, chocolate, certain lotions, textures, excitement and adrenaline, certain smells and these are normal addictions.  Others addictions are as wild as your imagination allows.  Sometimes once you have something it stays with you. The thoughts linger on your next fix. When and where. How much starts to matter less and less.

OK thats about it. I have to grab a cup of coffee. Peace.

Longviews and short sights.....

I received a chain email from my old high school email list on how "were taking America back". Some trip about prayer at foot ballgames , if your an atheist just dont listen , if your Muslim just deal with it your in the USA. I snapped back. I was angry. Freedom of religion is also freedom from religion. This right wing BS about religion. Their blue eyes , blond jesus... I let them know that the days of Ozzy and Harriet are long gone by. It also made me laugh and realize on how angry I am inside. What am I angry about? The right wing? "White culture" in America? How dumb we have become as a country? The fact that we look to the good old days on the 1950's through early 1960's? instead of looking forward. We lost ourselves once we lost the long view. China has a long view of things. What I mean by that is that they see things for the next 30-50 years. We don't look past the next year in politics or economy.

This is a different country than what our fathers grew up in. Neither red nor blue. I think that White America is becoming more and more threatened as they have to deal this the world as a whole. You will have Hindu/Arab/Mexican/African neighbors. Not every one who has (or does not have) color in his skin a criminal. Your neighbor may go to temple, mass, church, mosque or not go at all. You will drive an American or an imported car. The country of the United states is a world wide country with affairs across the globe. We as a people of the USA are not. We don't travel well outside our own subdivisions. There is no taking back of anything. We have degraded ourselves and show the world ourselves on TV on COPS, Jessica Simpsson TV, Cheaters, Amazing Videos (road chases) and jackazz.  We have very little food,wine,drink, dance, music culture. Mmmm mmmm  Bud lite and quarter pounders. We worship hiphop,nascar and country singers we admire the culture of a quick fix instead of a real fix.   We can do so much better..... We have so much potential to be what the world wants and not what the world hates. 

**Rant Off**

Sorry - just blowing off steam. I'm off the soap box any one else can use it.  Peace.

The DR. will see you now...

Its been awhile since I've been to the Doctors office for a check up. Its only been 1 year but it always seems longer.I needed to come in for the flu shot and the tetnus shot as well. In the office the nurses gave me the usual head to toe once over. I'm taller than I was by .25 inches. I think I'm losing the curve in my neck or spine. The good news is that I weigh 17 pounds less than 1 years ago this month. Granted I'm still big, very big, but its a start. The Dr and I spoke at great length about my health. It turns out that for a fat guy I'm a healthy guy, low cholesterol , low sugars in the blood, Blood pressure is fine I'm just fat. I weigh 100 pounds over my BMI says I should and even thats equal to my old high school wrestling weight. My goal is actually attainable of a 25% BMI loss over 1 yr. As it stands today I need only 58.5 pounds in 11.5 months. The Dr said I should shoot for a loss of 10-12 in each of the first 2 months then after that the loss gets harder. I should look at 8 the third then 5 and 3 or so in the following. All in all I need to drop about 5.25 a month in the course of 1 year. He wanted to give me mental preparation so I would not be depressed when it the slow down happens. 

I know this is boring you with the details and not my usual banter, but its important to me. This all leads back in to my fear of insanity and brain damage. Being overweight and having BP problems killed my Uncle 7 years ago. He died suddenly, well his brain died suddenly his body died 7 days later. I think I have a problem with lingering death. The tubes and wires. I hate hospitals my self. If you know me you know my story. Sometimes the smell of strong disinfectant gets to me.  So that why I'm trying to change my life. Its not a drastic change just a smarter change.  Small changes over time are what it takes. A single large change would work but the chance of a back slide would be much greater than smaller ones.

I have 2 people that I know that have done drastic changes. The stomach band procedure was done. One is a former Highschool cheerleader that I knew through highschool. I think she lost control after highschool. For awhile I felt sorry for her but I still  hold a grudge on how nasty she was in Highschool. The other is a guy that I work with, he has lost over 200 lbs. Thats great but he looks so unhealthy. I guess you still have to hit bottom before getting better.  For awhile I considered that surgury. Thats a bit too hard core for me I still like the occasional late night gyro (no onions, double sauce + tomato).

OK thats about it for me right now.

Carrier lost ...

I've been without the internet at home for a bit. It always seems to
snowball when things happen. At first they said it was the signal, then the
cable modem now it could be the computer. Its not a big deal really. I'm
thinking about shutting it off at home. I've been going to sleep slightly
earlier. I still watch my TV and check emails and web sites, but now I have
to be selective on what I read online. I'm on some one elses time.I take my
lap top to a hot spot or goto the local library to use their service. Im
99% sure that Im going to drop my provider and just use my GMAIL addy for
email. Yea sure I won't be able to download ,but all I have to do is ask
over a dozen of people and I can get a rip of what I want. I often wonder
could I cut out TV as well? My neighbors do with out. They still get net
flix or block buster for movies and certain shows on DVD. I miss reading
books. I just dont make the time for it. I'm not going to say have the time
because thats not true, I need to make the time. Everyboy has time that
they need to make their own again.

-----------------
I often think about how much convience I can do without. Right now about
90% of my meals are home made. Perhaps 1 or 2 meals a week are take out or
from fast food. I know thats been helping me in my weight loss. The trans
fats and excess sugars and oils. I've been enjoying cooking more for my
self and the kids. Im my line of work I would eat like crap beacuse of the
timetable. Get out of work 9 or 10 pm then eat or roll through a window on
the way home. Now I have something waiting at home for me. Sure I still
have to nuke it but so what. Ive been using more spice instead of salt in
foods and thats been helping as well. I really do need to sit and DL my
meal photos on line. Ive missed a day of a few meals but I have logged them
in a note. I have noticed that I do drink way to much soda. Yea its diet
but its too much.Its hard on the kidneys- all the colors and excess stuff
in the can. I need to make my self drink more water, not koolaide, or
lemon ade or iced tea but real H20. That will help me as well.
----------------------------------------
There has been way too much gun play on TV news in the last few days. The
Shootings in Wis, PA and now the 8 year old that brought a 38 to school....
I have a gun. It's a .357 magnum colt python and it really kicks A$$. I
have it locked and the ammo it stored away from it. At what age do I have
the gun talk with the kids? I also want to take them to learn how to shoot
a bow as well. Are these lessons from a time gone by? There is a book out
there that I need to get. Its from England called the most dangerous book
for boys. It teaches "lost arts" of boyhood. Tree forts, how to light a
fire, make a sling shot,skip stokes, play kick the can and whittle wood
with a knide real old school things. Things that have fallen along the way
side with TV and the internet in the sterile world.When is the last time
you heard the term Blood Brothers? Do you remember when kids would do that?
Cut each others finger or palm and shake the blood together? I was upset
that the US version of the book took out how to make a trebuchet (like a
catapult). Why would they do that? I want the English version.....I'd help
my boys build a trebuchet.
--------------------------------

What was that again?

I feel like I'm going insane..... I swear for the last three days I have
forgotten what day it was. Sunday? Monday Saturday? I'm starting to lose
it. This is my second biggest fear; Insanity. I could deal with OCD and
small things like that. But to lose total touch with reality. To lose the
day or year or ones self. I have had nightmares about people doing an
operation on my brain. Losing who I am with the stroke of a knife blade. A
lobotomy is 100% frightening to me. Like cutting firm
jelly.....**SHIVERS**. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and lost it. It was
hard meeting her. I was 24 or so when I went down to Mexico to finally meet
her. My Uncle told me that she did remember my dad at all (hes the youngest
of his family). It was horrible to see that. To know that my dad was
completely forgotten by his own mother. My dad was used to it , he knew
about her illness for 25+ years. A slow erasure of memories, of the past.
Good things and bad. Some people fear Cancer ,some fear the dark, some even
fear clowns; I fear my own insanity.

One wish??????.....

Its a ruse, the weather in Chicago is HOT. Its about 85 degrees
outside. Way outside the normal range for this time of year. A little over
a year ago I was in Ohio for my birthday. Cold. Dark. Rainy. Foul. I sat in
a hotel with a large domino's ham pizza, liters of coke and a box of little
fudggys. It was kinda depressing. This year my knuckle head friends took me
out for drinks and a Mexican meal. Too many drinks and much much food was
had. Some dark drinks followed ahhhh real beers. Anyways tomorrow I have to
force my self to put the yard items away and get ready for the real fall
weather. In less than 5 days it will be 58 degrees or colder with lots of
rain to follow. Its going to get cold fast. ....As depressing as it is I
love that weather. Its real to me. Alive. Ever Changing.

****************************************shift**********************************

In a recent letter I was asked by a friend if I has a birthday
wish what/who would it be. Let me blow the candle out and think a bit.
Outside of the usual $1,000,000,000, fame, power , houses and cars I really
don't know. One more night with her? One night , one minute, one second. A
kiss can change the world. I miss her , not in a crazy obsessive
psycho kind of way,but when the night is still and the late
Summer/Fall comes around I think about having a beer with her and the
things that followed. A hand hold and light touch, a smile and a
blush. She would lean in and kiss me on the lips..... Would I want a
night in Vegas? New Orleans?Memphis? Outside in the Grand Canyon? San
Fran? A sex club? B&D? S&M? Would I want a 7 course meal with great
wines, drinks and desserts? 3 nights in a spa? A bath in melted
chocolate?

Would I want to finish my tour of all 50 States? Tour of the World?
Dinner with the Dali Lama? Pee on the wailing wall? Kill a man with my bear
hands? (just checking if you were paying attention). Would I want to do a
redo in life? 1 yr? 2 yrs? 5 yrs? 10 yrs? Would I want to be 35? 30? 25? 21
again? 25 was not too bad, I was slimmer and the world was a different
place. Things were good then. I was still free in spirit and time.
Surrounded by different friends that I miss dearly. Granted I almost died that
year, but it was a good year. What would I want? What would I want? Do want
any thing any more in life? Would I wish to finish my degree? One
wish. Its sad I
can't think of one wish for myself. Aladdin had three and I can't come up
with one that I would just enjoy guilt free. This is bad... Its like
I'm thinking of the
would of's , could of's and should of's. Enough of that. No regrets. As for
Birthday wishes, you can't say otherwise it won't come true.

************************************Shift.**********************************************

I've been watching this seasons TV and enjoying some shows; Heros,
Bionic Woman, Pushing up daisys , Smallville, Supernatural and Reaper. All
enjoyable and some will do well some will fall by the wayside. Reaper
reminds me of BRIMSTONE from FOX only much much lighter and funnier. Battle
Star will start soon and I do hope its good. It is its final season. Finish
when your on top. Seinfeld know how to do it (bad ending).
I really need to go out and seen a killer movie. One that will stay with me
for awhile. I have not seen that in quite a bit. The last movie that I
needed to see over and over was Dawn of the Dead. I'm looking forward to
Diary of the Dead by Romero. That should be killer. As far as I understand
its a re-do on the whole zombie legend. The Zombie Diary was not too bad.
That one was from the UK; think 28 days later + The Blair Witch project.
Low budget, but fun.
I have taken pictures all this week of what I have eaten. Its
a hard thing to do. I have only missed photos of 2 meals in the last 4
days. Having the camera at home and at work ready to go when you about to
eat. People at work give me a sideways glance when I take a snap shot.
Portion control is a bear. I'm so used to extra portions, biggie this ,
biggie that and double stacks that a real portion seems so small. Like I'm
being cheated. I saw a photo of MC Donalds sodas in a photo. The photo
showed that what is the mid size soda was one the large soda 15 + years
ago. The small soda became the kids drink everything became bigger. Now
every thing is 32 oz or bigger. Way more that is needed for a meal. I
almost think that people have forgotten what its like to be hungry. Its not
a bad feeling to know. Its hard to control but not impossible. People in
the US want instant gratification. The quick pill "Trim spa baby!!". That
corpse was a spokes person for that pill. How many did she take and how
much lipo? I need to get down to a decent weight or at least lower in fat
%. There is a guy at work that is much shorter than me who had the stomach
band surgery. He is much shorter than me and at one time he weighed close
to 600 lbs. Thats twice what I weigh right now. Thats massive. How much pain
was he in? How was his life? Anyways thats enough for now. Take care.

Peace.

10 print "Hello" , 20 go to 10 ....

It funny on how much one depends on the internet now. I am having trouble
at home with my internet connection. I think I need a new cable modem I
should be live again today or by Friday. Its no big deal, but it feels like
I am partaly cut off from the world. One eye to night. No emails, no quick
view on whats at the theaters, no mapquest,no chats , no stumbling, no
streaming movies and no place to put my thoughts. I was looking at some old
emails that I kept from people, Emails with pictures mainly (even one from
David prowse ((Darth Vader, look it up)). I came to realize I have had an
email in some way shape or form for over 10 years and have been with some
form of computer at my house since 1982. I used to write in basic and
cobol. Both self taught and formal classes. Thats a long time to develop an
interdependance with a technology. Granted I could go to the library or to
the local Mc Donalds or even Buffalo wild wings (they are "Hotspots"). In
theory I could even drop internet access at home and just do that, but I've
grown to want it at home. Please notice I used the word want instead of
need. There are differences. My kids do not yet need it for school. I could
browse outside, check emails and tend to what needs to be done all outside,
but the at home convience will be lost. Its a thought but I might do that.
Perhaps if I can talk the clubhouse to become a hotspot that might help?
Hell I think I could talk them in to droping the $100 needed to do that.
Time to get writing.
**The pictures of my foods are going well. I need to upload what I have
done this week. This week I am focusing in portion control. While some
meals may look large that are typical salads with little dressing or a rice
dish. I've started walking when I get home and some light lifting. Square
one. 6.5/month.

365, 364, 363...

363 days and counting before I turn the dreaded forty years old. Forty times around the Sun since I was born. 14600 times spinning around the Earths axis. I want to finish some goals in the course of 1 year. Physical goals and maybe some mental goals. I want to drop 25% BMI. For me thats about 77 lbs in 1 year. That works out to be about 6.5 lbs lost per month with out the addition of muscle mass. It sounds do able ..... last time I quite because my shoulders were killing me. Truth be told , I was not put together well. I have always had bad joints. Its easy to skip one day, easier to skip two and not even a mention to bypass a week. I need to keep my self mentally motivated. I want to try to learn a new language. The question is what would I like to learn? I could always polish up my Spanish. I can speak it and understand it, but I speak it like an Anglo. The accents are wrong and some of my verbiage and tenses are off. Italian? French? Both are Latin based? Maybe Latin itself? Its a dead language but the root of three modern languages. German? No, no use for it. Chinese? That may be the way to go. One fifth of the worlds population and new Superpower. Also I like the foods. Japanese? would I use it? Probably not but the accents are very similar to Mexican Spanish. Indian? Too many sub dialects. I do like the foods as well. Arabic? Useful ? Maybe is we are in the continuing war.
I would also like to get at least one new tattoo. I do not know what just yet, but I do know I want one. I want to do some alone time camping by my self. 3 days out in the woods. Just me and some time away from the world. I am going to San Francisco for three days but when? I'm too busy to take vacation.... isn't that a laugh.  Too busy to relax.  I need to move "taking time for myself" up my priority list.  I started something new today as well. It's not my idea or even a new idea.  I am going to try to photograph what I eat every day and list it on a blog as well as a picture of my face. These are two items that should be easy to do if I remember.  I'll post what blogs those are if you are that bored and want to see what I'm eating....... The person that I saw the photos of him self took them over a five year period. The food blog photo person did it to lose weight. I thought those were both a keen idea.  As always thanks and take care of your self.....