The future is now...

the last of 2007 - about 12 hours to go.....

blah blah blah... Just another year of bloated Hollywood and its sad morals
bleeding on to us. Looky Lindsy and Brittney, OH my paris... what ever. I
watch very little TV because of my work times. I tend to watch more movies
(DVDs)than go to the theater. I try again I said try to read as much as
possible. I think this shields my from the bulk of the popular poison. I'm
not 100% insulated from it. Its on the news in both text and TV. I hope I
never hear from any of these so called starlets again. Bring on a new and
better breed.

I'm sad about the writers strike this year I want to watch my hero's
and I am semi excited about the Sarah conner Chronicles. Yes I'm and always
will be a sci fi geek. I can't escape that moniker. Its part of who I am.
I'm also excited for a few movies this year -- the zombie Chronicles,
1/18/08 (cloverfield) , the new star trek and others I can think about. I
hope (as I do every year) that the next year will be brighter , more
entertaining and better in every way.

**********************
When I was a child I was promised moon bases ans flying cars. I was to
see the first Mars colony and every wonder that the space age was supposed
to deliver. I was lied to. We never went back to the moon and I know we
will not see Mars in my life time. I'm only 40 and yet I already know this
as a fact. I also expect to see many many animal species go extinct. I
expect the Rhino and others to perish before my eyes. I expect to see a
bloated and over stretched China to start re colonizing Africa. I see
revolution in Cuba and in other still third world countries. -- bleak but
truthful.

Again I hope I'm dead wrong in all of these and I hope we do wind up in a
great science fiction utopia. God I hope we wind up in a Buck Rogers
future with jive talking robots, spandex body suits and hot woman dancing
to a neuvo disco. I'll even take the future containing battle star galacta.
Not the new dark one but the one that uses the same tailor as Buck Rogers.
Now thems a future that I would look for. ***Side note!!!*** Did you know
that Fred Astaires last performance was in Battle Star Galacta??

So.... Heres to 2008 and beyond.... I hope that your Special Neuvo Disco
Spandex wearing future is still out there somewhere. I already have my own
body suit ready....... Peace,Hope and Faith. Happy New Year!!!! Wear your
yellow underwear, eat your black beans, have a man come through your door
first and beat some pans to ward away deamons...... If I missed any
traditions you let me know.

my brain itches...

My head is swimming in the ether. I've been running shy on sleep in the
last few days. I've been out with friends and also having trouble sleeping.
The other night I woke up at 4am and watched Mexican wrestling until 5am. I
passed out again as the sky began to lighten up. The kids got up at 7am and
the day started over again. Its all adds up. It get to be quite scary at
times. While I was driving last night I saw things in the sky. Shapes and
shadows. Things that only exist in other dimensions. Things that looked
like the legs of giant elephants straddling the bridges of I88. Shapes of
people moving in snow banks. Things moving from the corners of my eyes. I
almost feel like I'm starting to be in a HP love craft movie. Loud noised
have startled me today. I feel itchy, not the winter skin itch but like my
brain itches. I wonder if this is a minor form of what meth heads feel
like. The bugs under the skin.

I know all I need is a good sleep. I have a few sleeping pills at home that
are non narcotic. I also need a good dose of Melton. Its in warm milk and
helps put you in to the dream lands.

My dreams are also odd of of late. I hear old friends in the back ground ,
but I can not see them. Its almost like I'm driving a car in a tunnel. I
can see what the lights strike and hear my friends but where am I? where
are we going? and why the hell am I always driving?

The dream lands of old are places in a common collective of where you would
go where you dream. For ages untold the places were the same. Its only in
the past 40-50 years that the items in dream have changed. In some cases
the change is much slower... What I mean by that is in re occurring dreams
I see my old college. Granted it was an old college with hard woods and
dark stains. In my dreams there are many stairs leading everywhere. It
looks like a movie <i>in the name of the rose<i/>. Its unrecognizable as
the college I went to but in my dreams I know what it is. Its an anchor
point on my dreams. I have very few. I have not seen my house nor my
parents house. No places I remember as a kid. No work places. No other
place. I can only guess its because so many people have been through that
school as students, teachers, Nuns. So many memories of people who have
slept there, fallen in love there, have been crushed there. Friends made
and innocence lost.

Ever have a dream the you thing has lasted hours and days. Whole scenes in
your life passed by and when you wake up only 11 minutes have passed? This
happens to me quite often. I'll go to bed. My head will hit the pillow and
WHAM, I'm some place else. The colors and story lines are almost too vivid.
The action and emotions are fierce. One wrong twist in an alley or street
and I'm in the mundane world. Laying in my bed staring at the red LEDs in
my alarm clock.

I must sound like I am losing it. My long winded ramblings of dreams and of
things that should not be. I don't mind being in this mental state, but I
know that i can not drive while I'm like this.

--------------------------------------------------------
concentrate...
--------------------------------------------------------

The new year is almost here. a celebration of one more lap around the Sun.
My friends used to have fun new year parties. Now I'm lucky if I stay up
til midnight. Generally I work until 6 or 7 pm. Have a nice steak and or
lobster and some nice wine. I hope if you do go out you are safe. Enjoy
2008 and like me try to get some quality sleep in the new year. Peace.

--------------------------------------------------

Resolutions and a steak...

312-285-277 No not a number in Chicago. These numbers represent my weight.
God as I get older it gets so much easier to put it on and 1000 x harder to
take it off. The day goes buy too quickly and my energy levels are at about
zero after working all day. Even on an off day I'm with the kids and have
no time for me. The biggest thing that I have been doing is portion
control. For a big guy with a big appetite thats hard. I would love to dig
in to a massive t-bone steak with a mountain of garlic mashed potato's and
grilled onions and mushrooms, but Its better to only eat what fits on one
plate. I'm trying to watch carbs and cookies but Christmas make that a big
pain in the tush. Its over now and it will be easier. I'm starting to have
knee problems in my right knee. Its my past again catching up with me.
Joint pain in my spine, old broken fingers , who knows what else..... I'll
probably wind up with a cane and yelling at kids to stay off the lawn.
Back to the weight loss. I still need to drop about 52 pounds in another
9 months. About 5.7 pounds in each month to follow. Its do able..... Right
now I'm about 92 pounds heavier than when I finished High School. That was
a different world. I was big time in to lifting and martial arts. Sparing 3
minute rounds. Now I have to get mental energy to do the most basic of
motions. I have only one resolution this year and that is to drop weight.
Everything else would be gravy. I wish you all the best in the new year. I
hope that 2008 is better than 2007. Peace.

Aftermath

The house looks as if a bomb went off. Assorted matchbox cars, guns, bugs
and toys littered the living room. New clothes piled neatly in a chair. I
was awakened at about 7am by two little boys excited and grinning ear to
ear. We all went downstairs to check if St. Nicholas had been there. My
oldest got a few lumps of coal in his stocking as a warning to behave
better in school. After that the grand opening of all the presents began.
Paper everywhere, a mad dash to find and hold on to gift receipts,
batteries placed in almost every device know to man. The flurry of activity
lasted for about an hour and then happened again when the grandparents came
by. The kids had a good time , I personally had an exhausting time. Between
the food, the kids and the presents I was done about 3 pm. I think the best
present that I had was a nap at about 4 pm. The only bad part was that my
mom was ill in the last week, so there were no home made tamales this year.
Oh I still had them. There were store bought and not as good, but I don't
think I have ever had a bad tamale.
I hope that you had a good time with your own families. I hope you got
what you wanted if not what you needed. Peace and on to 2008.

After dark my friend...

Its been a long time since I've been out shopping let alone after dark. I hit a Toys R Us well after 10 pm last night. I can say it was a polite frenzy. A frenzy that will only get worse at the clock gets closer to Xmas. I remember as a kid that store seemed so huge. Rows and aisles of toys; from the dreaded pink one to the rows of bike racks. Now I felt as if I lapped the store in about a minute and a half. I quickly found what I needed and just decided to watch as some mothers were looking for things way outside their elements. The Wii and certain toys that have been sold out for months. I felt sad for the kids that want the latest must have door dad. I was watching the parents trying to avoid the heartbreak. How ever it was for things wanted not things needed. SO I know they'll get by just fine.
After that I went to a bookstore just to browse. Not that I needed any thing I just wanted to look at things for a bit. Books and Cd's , music and magazines. I'm so out of touch from music that is played on the radio or on line. I'm starting to feel like a old man in that respects. I don't listen to music in the car, the music at work is canned and the music at home is after hours when I tend to be doing something else.
Sometimes when I get out of the shower I like to move slower and listen to classical music while I shave and groom. About once a month I like to shave with a straight razor. It takes about a half hour but its a nice grooming ritual. Its almost a scene out of a horror movie. The classical music starts. I break out my razor and begin to sharpen it against the stone. That alone takes a good five minutes. The hot towel and warm lather against the skin. The razor cuts so close to the skin its very scary. I think because it is so scary that much more attention to detail is given in the shave process.

Too many things in life have been cheapened by convince. The quick haircut, the shave , a real shoe shine on good leather shoes, A real hand car wash, a good meal made by hand, a real butcher behind the counter, how about some one to pump your gas.....  In heart I am old fashioned. Its a shame that my kids will miss some of these things.

 

Peace.

SNOWBLIND...

The snowfall the night before was not too bad. Loose powdery snow not the
wet heavy snow that freezes in to blocks the next day. The sun came up on
Sunday morning and we headed out after breakfast. The hill is only about a
block away but the wind made it feel a whole lot farther. The kids didn't
even notice. Their cheeks were rosy before we got to the hill. I took a 6
foot toboggan as well as the multi colored plastic sled we bought at the
ACE. The kids could not wait any longer. We got to the top, checked for
cars and SWOOSH/..... they were gone. Then up the hill and down. One at a
time, both together, face first , on his back, superman style and in a loss
of control sideways. The hours went quickly as we went sledding. I was cold
because I was not running up and down the hill, but the kids were ready for
more.
I love this part of winter the weekend snow, the light snow with
sunshine on top. I dead it when I'm at work and have to hand clean every
car before I move it. Again the whole season is for the kids. As an adult I
would prefer a tropical island and Pina Coladas, but I'm a midwesterner at
heart. I hope all is well in your winter worlds. Peace. Noel.

The Spirit.....

I guess it caught me by surprise. The Christmas spirit. I was taking the boys to school and the radio was playing Christmas songs. With out knowing it I was singing along with Bing Crosby to the tune of Little Drummer boy. Then Frosty the snowman came on, followed by a long string of holiday specials. It felt good to belt these songs out and out of tune. I'm looking forward to my eldest sons Christmas show. Last year he was a Elf in a few songs, this year its Jingle bell rock. TO watch the joy in the kids faces is whats special to me....

 I just refuse to go shopping at the malls and most large stores. I find that whole part of Christmas wrong the greed the noise and chatter. I don't know if any one else feels this way or its just me. The whole thing that Christmas in this country starts right after Halloween and "officially" starts the day after Thanksgiving. It even extends until after the new years. ..... May be if I had money following out of my pockets I would care more but being just me I view it as an abomination against God. The whole Mammon thing just waiting in the wings... the stuff without Christ. Agggggg enough.

This Christmas we'll have the family over, cook a turkey maybe a ham and just keep it small and watch a few holiday movies. I always enjoy ; Christmas story,Charlie Brown Christmas,  Christmas vacation, its a wonderful life and others may be even Santa Claus vs the Martains....... Whats your favorite Christmas movie?      Any ways stay warm , drive safe and I hope you get every thing you asked for on your list...... Peace.

Stuff and want for more of it....

    Where do I start? I guess its December in general that gets me down. I work 11-12 hours a day to pay for my life and for everything else. It feels like doing penance for something that I did. My kids want the world at Christmas, but again what kids doesn't? I remember going through the Sears big wish book and making circles of every thing. Action figures and things that make flashing lights. I feel bad though. I want to give my kids every thing but I'd rather be a good father that they remember for loving them than the one who gave them everything and didn't have room in his heart for them. I thank God every day for health and the job that I do have. I thank him for my kids because they are good boys. In that fact I have a good life.
    Its the long view that worries me, college, cars , insurance and things like that. I guess its every fathers duty to worry about things like that. I hope that the economy gets better because that means that I will do better. The things that get tighter when the markets go bad are car sales. People tighten up just a touch. They'll hold on to that car for one more year. Its the same way for every one everywhere.

I'm not trying to be a Scrooge but I guess its me being jealous of what other have. It happens this time of year. They will spend thousands on their kids and I feel like I'm counting pennies. The bigger house, that newer cars the stuff. But it is just that.... stuff. I learned a lesson yesterday; a friend of mine at work told me a story about his brother. His brother just survived a house fire. They lost every thing , the stuff. But thats all it was, stuff. Things that you bought and hold on to until they get old. What he was most worried about was family photos. The things that have no value to any one else but himself. My friend is starting to make copies of photos that he has of his brother and his family to replace some memories. He's replacing his brothers heart. The burns will heal, the house will be replaced, the stuff will be replaced. But photos and memories cant, not really.

Hey, I'm sorry if I brought you down but Christmas always does this since I became a father. Hold on to your family close, take those pictures and don't worry about the stuff. They will remember the laughs and hugs allot longer than that plastic toy that will fall apart. Sing some Christmas songs , have that hot chocolate and maybe see Santa at the mall. Thats what matters.  Peace.

Monkey for November

Its has been awhile sina amonkey has graced these pages.... Here ya go.....Thank you.

Black friday and more.....

Black Friday; What a joke. Again I am disappointed in American near
Christmas time. It always make me shake my head and want to ask " What are
you doing?" . Why you you get up at 11pm or not go to bed at all to try to
grab sales? I used to just be mad at the people doing this but now I'm mad
at the stores. Now they open at midnight or some cater o a Thanksgiving day
sale. Some are pushing their super sales on the Wednesday before
Thanksgiving. Can't we just have a holiday that is a holiday. A true Holy
Day? A day where some one is respected or honored. A day where family,
friends or the birth of Jesus is remembered. Not a day where one tries to
grab the plasma TV or Cd's or any other crap made in China.

This year was an odd year for my Thanksgiving. My family was scattered here
and there. I still ate well but it was quiet. My youngest had a fever
through out the day. I spent most of my time with him in and out of bed.
Kids do bounce back, by 5 om it was as if he just woke up for the first
time through the day. His Thanksgiving meal was a bowl if cookie crisp and
milk. In truth that does not sound too bad either. Simple and honest.
Giving thanks to God for what you have.

The cold is upon us. I have sealed up the windows and almost finished
putting the deck away for the season. The cool weather clothes are all
their totes and the winter gear is out. Heavy coats and gloves, fleece
jackets and slippers, the heavy blankets and hats. I love the time of year
and hate it all the same. The dogs are in and out within 5 minutes. They
are not cold weather fans either. All this and I still want to see Alaska
and the South pole. Some people are complaining about the wind and temps.
I don't mind them. I feel bad for those who are out in this all day long.
The homeless, the outdoors trades men, water guys and gas line guys. They
are well compensated so thats a perk. I spend about 40% of any given day
outdoors. Some days more some days less but my job is weather dependent.
There is not a single work day that goes by with out a weather check. The
rain, wind, cold, heat , sun shine and of course the occasional perfect
day. 75 degrees and a slight wind, sunshine and an occasional cloud to
break up the sky.

As a kid I would often day out of those days and watch the clouds. The
shapes and the movement kept them alive. I would feel the sun soak in to my
skin. It would energize me, inspire me and give me hope that the day would
last forever. I think its been years since I've allowed my self to enjoy a
day doing nothing. A day with out an agenda. No radio, no DVD or wifi, no
chatter overhead or cell phones, no cars or family. Just a day for me.
Outside in the Sun perhaps on a hammock enjoying the sounds of outdoors.

I can feel the depression setting in around the edges. The Sun coming up at
6:42 am and going down at 4:22pm. The darkness never really goes away in
the Winter. Its held back for a few hours. I use compact fluorescent light
bulbs in the home to be green and save energy dollars. They do not provide
the right wavelengths. I have to go and buy at least one full spectrum
bulb. They help ( a little). I've been watching the old TV show Northern
Exposure. It was a fine show for the time. It actually held up OK 10 years
later. In the show they described eating a large amounts of chocolate to
help produce serotonin. A brain chemical that pushes back seasonal
depression. I would not mind a big chocolate shake and gooey cake. Hot
fudge sundae and waffles n syrup. Even if It does not work as told it would
be a good snack in the darkness.... Keep warm and keep the light on its
only 4 months till spring...

Turkey day.

Turkey day.....Kinda weird this year. My mom is in Texas with family. Both
my sister and dad are out. So as far as the bird goes its me and my two
boys. I think I'm opting out of having the bird this year. We bought a 17
pound bird but to cook it for basically one adult is not right. We are
going to save it for Xmas. Foe thanks giving I think we are doing a pasta
dish and mega salad. Some sort of lasagna, veggy? seafood? red and meaty?
We'll still do sides and my fav of deviled eggs. Thanksgiving was always a
20 minute meal and then break we are all off doing our own thing. Its just
a little odd this year. Any ways I will say it... I am very Thank full for
my friend ship with you. For those who read and comment and for those who
just read. Take care and hold your families close. Peace.

A straight razor shave...

I had a quick email or two with a friend of mine about the need to be
pampered. I feel like I'm so out of it ; that I have ignored my self so
much that I need to be pampered. Most men do not do this or would even
consider this. Right now I would love the full Eddie Murphy treatment ala
Coming to America. I would love to be hand washed head to toe. Hair cleaned
and brushed, Nails cleaned and clipped, straight razor shave, Hot towel on
the face along with a real boar bristle soap brush application, full hair
cut, have a pedicure and manicure, 2 coats of clear coat on the nails,
rough spots buffed out on my elbows, slathered in lotions, egg peel facial,
seaweed mask, eyebrows plucked,Mud bath ,salt scrub, Massage on my back
legs and arms, full body wax/shave, hell I might even ask for a Brazilian.
Ha! It sounds like I'm describing a car getting detailed. Its better than
my usual 2.5 minute shower that I take. With the kids its always a
challenge to find time for your self to do anything outside the basics.
I have a friend that would take a shower that took more than 20
minutes on a regular basis. He would shower until he used up. In case you
didn't know a hot water heater hold 40 gallons of hot water. He looked like
he was washed like Karen Silkwood. His skin was constantly pink from the
shower from over scrubbing. In the house he bought he swapped the heater
out and put in a 50 gallon heater to accommodate his hot water over usage.
He's in the military now so I expect hes down to a shower when he cat get
it while in Kuwait.
Anyways because I cant afford in both money and time for a full pamper
session I'm off to take a bath with my .99 cent bath ball and scented
candle .......If I have 20 minutes. I hope that you all can make time for
some well needed pampering. Peace.

doors and windows...

I sat outside yesterday and closed my eyes. Somewhere between sleep and day
dreams parts of my life replayed. High school, college, girls that I dated
and my own life right now. I have not seen the movie "sliding doors" but
every ones life if the cumulation of events. Some in your control and many
that are not. Things that our parents do, friends decide on and your own
silly choices. The last beer, the first kiss, the turn right or left, did
you make the yellow light or stop at the red?
Don't take this the wrong way but I was looking at the would of's the
should of's with a 20/20 rear view vision. I love my kids and my family
but could bit be a better life? Yes. Could it have been worse? Yes. The
grass is greener but for whom? I have a friend that is successful but he
would trade it to have a healthier father or child. Sorry I was tired and
the evening Sun was out while my mind drifted from thought to thought. I
viewed my life if I had married a different woman. If I did not have kids?
Had finished college? I wonder if the women I was with wonder about me? I
should have married him. Never left him. Gone out with him.
Everyone does it. There was a great film I saw that dealt with this ... The
Last temptation of Christ. A great film if you have a chance.
Hey I'm sorry I've been such a downer in the last few posts. My mind has
been elsewhere. Thanks for reading. Peace.

Hey old timer...

I have had a tough time sleeping in the past few weeks. Bad dreams, pains
in my shoulders and spine. Old wounds that now are starting to haunt me.
I's starting to feel like "The Picture of Dorian Gray". I am starting to
feel older and older every day and quicker. Like its catching up to me in a
few short years. At work I have become a veteran and people come to me with
problems and concerns. I think even my dad sees me as a peer as well as his
son.
I believe in staying young at heart and I know I have to. My kids are too
young to have an "old dad". I'm 39 years old with a seven year and a four
year old. When the youngest is 21 I will be.... 56. Can he kick my butt
when he's 21? Granted he'll be quicker and stronger, but I will have dirty
knowledge. Skills and experience. Theres always a balance in life. You will
almost never have experience and strength at the same time. I often wonder
how it would have been to have kids when I was younger. But again I would
have been more lost. Experience vs youth.
I realized that I had experience in a conversation I had with a friend at
work. He just found out his wife was pregnant. He was bogged down with
questions. I simply let him know that he will never be ready for kids. No
one will have the money , time , resources and knowledge to have kids. Just
have them and love it. --- Wow me with actual words of wisdom. I didn't lie
or try to scam him or take it as a joke..... Lol.

Sorry folks.... I've just been feeling old. Peace

After the sugar rush...

The kids had a good time begging for treats. I miss the full brunt of the
Holiday. Some times work and life gets in the way of plans. I got home late
and sat in the dark eating my dinner. No one ringing the door bell or one
to tell me about their day, no costume shows. I ate my fries and watched
something on BRAVO on the scariest movies.

With my odd ball work schedule I miss most celebrations in my life. Friends
birth dates, kids birth dates and just regular dates off as the rest of the
world. I spend very little time with my own kids except for breakfast. In
that time I usually spent yelling at them to finish so we can get to
school. Everything is on such a short clock. At night I creep in to their
bedrooms and tuck them in again and kiss them on the cheek. They will never
remember this but I will. When I'm home I wonder if I'm doing any better
than my own father did with me? He had his brother and sister living with
us, so that helped him lots.

I guess I'm feeling lost in the last few weeks. The Sun is going down
earlier, its getting colder and I don't know where I'm heading. I feel
like I work , eat, watch an hour of the telly and the drop off to bed. It's
a nasty cycle. My dreams are getting worse. Odd colors and Dr visits in
the shadows.

I feel like getting away and living in the deep country. Far away from the
noise and lights. The question would be , what type of life would my kids
have? How would their education be? Hospital care? How open are people in
the country to a Mexican in their midst?

People often fantasize of tropical islands and resorts. I would not mind a
big cabin in the woods, a big farm house on the plains, some where with
lots of land to insulate me from the noise of the world.

Yesterday was the Dia de los Meurtos (the day of the Dead). The day we look
at the family and loved ones that had died. Also because of that I began to
look at the relations in my life. I had to laugh; I've some some friends
for over 30 years and even my college friends for more than 19 years. I met
them in fall of 1997. I've known them longer than I've not known them. By
hook or by crook they are part of my life. I've seen them go through the
cycles of life with them. Births and deaths in the families. How long
before I have to put one in the ground? I pray its many decades from
now....

Where did my time go? I know this is a question that is asked by every
single person on this planet. Where did my time go? Every minute passes the
same for every one , but its how its perceived that make a difference. If I
could stretch out that one day, year or lifetime I could solve the worlds
problems. Even with the friends that I do spend time with I wish I could
spend more time with them.

I lost contact with a friend for almost 16 years. We connected again right
away, but thats is what friends are for. Invisible connections that last.
Trust that is still there. Laughs and memories that act as an emotional
glue between the two of us.

Any ways thats whats been in my head and heart for the the last few days.
Take care and stay warm....Peace.

Ghosts in the graveyard....

I went to bed yesterday and something very strange happened. Once the
lights went off everything was red. Eyes open or closed everything was red.
I could see shadows and red, nothing more. I did not look in to a light
before I turned everything off. It was all wrong, like my dreams creeping
in to my waking world. It took awhile before it went away. I was spooked
like it was a precursor to a stroke.

My dreams have been more odd than normal in the past few weeks. Dreams of
rats and spiders. I can see my childhood home with its tall ceilings and
rafters. I know its Halloween season so thats more likely than not leaking
in to my mind.

I've been watching way too many horror movies and loving it. Hellraiser,
vampire movies, aliens, goosebumps, lots of devil movies and of course
several of the Halloween movies. I've enjoyed more of the Japanese horror
movies in the last few years. The Ring and Pulse stand out. The Asian
horror is unnerving because their horror is not western based. No typical
demons and priests battling. Their ghosts hate go deeper emotionally than
ours do. Old ghosts have more power.

I think there is a ghost in my house. I believe its my uncle. Every now and
then I will smell cigarette smoke inside when no one else is home. Nothing
sinister about it but just a little odd.

I hope you all have a great All Hallows Eve. Enjoy.

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday!!!! How old are you now? 21? 22? 23?..... Any how I hope it
was a good one. Enjoy your day.

Need vs want...

Well I did it. I  unplugged from the world, I disconnected my Internet. I took some time and tallied up what I did on line vs what I need to do online. I decided that just sitting there and tapping "stumble upon"  button while watching TV was not the greatest use on the Internet. I did DL movies and songs, but I think this will keep me out of trouble as well. I got a nasty letter from Comcast for trying to download the "Six million dollar man" w/ Bigfoot for a friend. I still have access to the internet and emails when I need them. I still keep up with the news and Internet sites that I need to visit. I have actually changed my email to a GMAIL account its universal and has a ton of space and better yet its free.

Its funny dropping the internet is like breaking an addiction. You want to just turn it on and sit. You want to flick a switch and do nothing important.  You don't mind just sitting with the monitor flickering in from of you.  Its more seductive than TV because you control it or at least it lets you think you control it.  The internet is fun but what am I actually drawing from it? As of right now , not too much. Some chuckles but really a whole lot of nothing that can wait til morning.  When the kids get a touch older I may switch back, but right now they don't need it.

Just by cutting the Internet off I am in bed close to 1-2 hours earlier. I now drop off after Family guy or Futurama.  The bad part is that I am up earlier as well.  My dreams have been all funky as of late. I can't put my finger on it but they are not healthy.  Dreams of Dr's and wires in my head. Its all in flashes of memory so I can't get in to detail. I'm sleeping uneasy.

I've been doing well in my eating not so well in my photo shoots of my food. I have to make more of an effort to have the camera on the table and take it with to work with me.  I know it has helped. I've been avoiding fast food for a couple of weeks now. I did have a eggamuffin last week. Part of me craves fries from Micky D's. I know its that sugar , salt and fat. I can almost taste the fry in catsup loaded w/ salt.  Thats another addiction that has to be controlled.

  I control several addictions well; Smoking - 1 smoke per day. Drinking - 1 alcoholic beverage with a meal. Soda- Diet soda. Fast foods- only when absolutely necessary. I still am addicted to flesh. That is a hard addiction to keep under wraps. Its so easy to watch.  Ladies always look good. A quick glance of cleavage, a smile,lips  or leg peeking out from under a skirt. This is an addiction that will be the end of me if I let it.  I always think how easy it would be to talk to some one in to going out for a drink. For a quick lunch. For a ......  all it take is a weak moment on either side. 

Everyone has an addiction;some may not realize what they are addicted to. A cup of coffee in the AM, chocolate, certain lotions, textures, excitement and adrenaline, certain smells and these are normal addictions.  Others addictions are as wild as your imagination allows.  Sometimes once you have something it stays with you. The thoughts linger on your next fix. When and where. How much starts to matter less and less.

OK thats about it. I have to grab a cup of coffee. Peace.

Longviews and short sights.....

I received a chain email from my old high school email list on how "were taking America back". Some trip about prayer at foot ballgames , if your an atheist just dont listen , if your Muslim just deal with it your in the USA. I snapped back. I was angry. Freedom of religion is also freedom from religion. This right wing BS about religion. Their blue eyes , blond jesus... I let them know that the days of Ozzy and Harriet are long gone by. It also made me laugh and realize on how angry I am inside. What am I angry about? The right wing? "White culture" in America? How dumb we have become as a country? The fact that we look to the good old days on the 1950's through early 1960's? instead of looking forward. We lost ourselves once we lost the long view. China has a long view of things. What I mean by that is that they see things for the next 30-50 years. We don't look past the next year in politics or economy.

This is a different country than what our fathers grew up in. Neither red nor blue. I think that White America is becoming more and more threatened as they have to deal this the world as a whole. You will have Hindu/Arab/Mexican/African neighbors. Not every one who has (or does not have) color in his skin a criminal. Your neighbor may go to temple, mass, church, mosque or not go at all. You will drive an American or an imported car. The country of the United states is a world wide country with affairs across the globe. We as a people of the USA are not. We don't travel well outside our own subdivisions. There is no taking back of anything. We have degraded ourselves and show the world ourselves on TV on COPS, Jessica Simpsson TV, Cheaters, Amazing Videos (road chases) and jackazz.  We have very little food,wine,drink, dance, music culture. Mmmm mmmm  Bud lite and quarter pounders. We worship hiphop,nascar and country singers we admire the culture of a quick fix instead of a real fix.   We can do so much better..... We have so much potential to be what the world wants and not what the world hates. 

**Rant Off**

Sorry - just blowing off steam. I'm off the soap box any one else can use it.  Peace.

The DR. will see you now...

Its been awhile since I've been to the Doctors office for a check up. Its only been 1 year but it always seems longer.I needed to come in for the flu shot and the tetnus shot as well. In the office the nurses gave me the usual head to toe once over. I'm taller than I was by .25 inches. I think I'm losing the curve in my neck or spine. The good news is that I weigh 17 pounds less than 1 years ago this month. Granted I'm still big, very big, but its a start. The Dr and I spoke at great length about my health. It turns out that for a fat guy I'm a healthy guy, low cholesterol , low sugars in the blood, Blood pressure is fine I'm just fat. I weigh 100 pounds over my BMI says I should and even thats equal to my old high school wrestling weight. My goal is actually attainable of a 25% BMI loss over 1 yr. As it stands today I need only 58.5 pounds in 11.5 months. The Dr said I should shoot for a loss of 10-12 in each of the first 2 months then after that the loss gets harder. I should look at 8 the third then 5 and 3 or so in the following. All in all I need to drop about 5.25 a month in the course of 1 year. He wanted to give me mental preparation so I would not be depressed when it the slow down happens. 

I know this is boring you with the details and not my usual banter, but its important to me. This all leads back in to my fear of insanity and brain damage. Being overweight and having BP problems killed my Uncle 7 years ago. He died suddenly, well his brain died suddenly his body died 7 days later. I think I have a problem with lingering death. The tubes and wires. I hate hospitals my self. If you know me you know my story. Sometimes the smell of strong disinfectant gets to me.  So that why I'm trying to change my life. Its not a drastic change just a smarter change.  Small changes over time are what it takes. A single large change would work but the chance of a back slide would be much greater than smaller ones.

I have 2 people that I know that have done drastic changes. The stomach band procedure was done. One is a former Highschool cheerleader that I knew through highschool. I think she lost control after highschool. For awhile I felt sorry for her but I still  hold a grudge on how nasty she was in Highschool. The other is a guy that I work with, he has lost over 200 lbs. Thats great but he looks so unhealthy. I guess you still have to hit bottom before getting better.  For awhile I considered that surgury. Thats a bit too hard core for me I still like the occasional late night gyro (no onions, double sauce + tomato).

OK thats about it for me right now.

Carrier lost ...

I've been without the internet at home for a bit. It always seems to
snowball when things happen. At first they said it was the signal, then the
cable modem now it could be the computer. Its not a big deal really. I'm
thinking about shutting it off at home. I've been going to sleep slightly
earlier. I still watch my TV and check emails and web sites, but now I have
to be selective on what I read online. I'm on some one elses time.I take my
lap top to a hot spot or goto the local library to use their service. Im
99% sure that Im going to drop my provider and just use my GMAIL addy for
email. Yea sure I won't be able to download ,but all I have to do is ask
over a dozen of people and I can get a rip of what I want. I often wonder
could I cut out TV as well? My neighbors do with out. They still get net
flix or block buster for movies and certain shows on DVD. I miss reading
books. I just dont make the time for it. I'm not going to say have the time
because thats not true, I need to make the time. Everyboy has time that
they need to make their own again.

-----------------
I often think about how much convience I can do without. Right now about
90% of my meals are home made. Perhaps 1 or 2 meals a week are take out or
from fast food. I know thats been helping me in my weight loss. The trans
fats and excess sugars and oils. I've been enjoying cooking more for my
self and the kids. Im my line of work I would eat like crap beacuse of the
timetable. Get out of work 9 or 10 pm then eat or roll through a window on
the way home. Now I have something waiting at home for me. Sure I still
have to nuke it but so what. Ive been using more spice instead of salt in
foods and thats been helping as well. I really do need to sit and DL my
meal photos on line. Ive missed a day of a few meals but I have logged them
in a note. I have noticed that I do drink way to much soda. Yea its diet
but its too much.Its hard on the kidneys- all the colors and excess stuff
in the can. I need to make my self drink more water, not koolaide, or
lemon ade or iced tea but real H20. That will help me as well.
----------------------------------------
There has been way too much gun play on TV news in the last few days. The
Shootings in Wis, PA and now the 8 year old that brought a 38 to school....
I have a gun. It's a .357 magnum colt python and it really kicks A$$. I
have it locked and the ammo it stored away from it. At what age do I have
the gun talk with the kids? I also want to take them to learn how to shoot
a bow as well. Are these lessons from a time gone by? There is a book out
there that I need to get. Its from England called the most dangerous book
for boys. It teaches "lost arts" of boyhood. Tree forts, how to light a
fire, make a sling shot,skip stokes, play kick the can and whittle wood
with a knide real old school things. Things that have fallen along the way
side with TV and the internet in the sterile world.When is the last time
you heard the term Blood Brothers? Do you remember when kids would do that?
Cut each others finger or palm and shake the blood together? I was upset
that the US version of the book took out how to make a trebuchet (like a
catapult). Why would they do that? I want the English version.....I'd help
my boys build a trebuchet.
--------------------------------

What was that again?

I feel like I'm going insane..... I swear for the last three days I have
forgotten what day it was. Sunday? Monday Saturday? I'm starting to lose
it. This is my second biggest fear; Insanity. I could deal with OCD and
small things like that. But to lose total touch with reality. To lose the
day or year or ones self. I have had nightmares about people doing an
operation on my brain. Losing who I am with the stroke of a knife blade. A
lobotomy is 100% frightening to me. Like cutting firm
jelly.....**SHIVERS**. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and lost it. It was
hard meeting her. I was 24 or so when I went down to Mexico to finally meet
her. My Uncle told me that she did remember my dad at all (hes the youngest
of his family). It was horrible to see that. To know that my dad was
completely forgotten by his own mother. My dad was used to it , he knew
about her illness for 25+ years. A slow erasure of memories, of the past.
Good things and bad. Some people fear Cancer ,some fear the dark, some even
fear clowns; I fear my own insanity.

One wish??????.....

Its a ruse, the weather in Chicago is HOT. Its about 85 degrees
outside. Way outside the normal range for this time of year. A little over
a year ago I was in Ohio for my birthday. Cold. Dark. Rainy. Foul. I sat in
a hotel with a large domino's ham pizza, liters of coke and a box of little
fudggys. It was kinda depressing. This year my knuckle head friends took me
out for drinks and a Mexican meal. Too many drinks and much much food was
had. Some dark drinks followed ahhhh real beers. Anyways tomorrow I have to
force my self to put the yard items away and get ready for the real fall
weather. In less than 5 days it will be 58 degrees or colder with lots of
rain to follow. Its going to get cold fast. ....As depressing as it is I
love that weather. Its real to me. Alive. Ever Changing.

****************************************shift**********************************

In a recent letter I was asked by a friend if I has a birthday
wish what/who would it be. Let me blow the candle out and think a bit.
Outside of the usual $1,000,000,000, fame, power , houses and cars I really
don't know. One more night with her? One night , one minute, one second. A
kiss can change the world. I miss her , not in a crazy obsessive
psycho kind of way,but when the night is still and the late
Summer/Fall comes around I think about having a beer with her and the
things that followed. A hand hold and light touch, a smile and a
blush. She would lean in and kiss me on the lips..... Would I want a
night in Vegas? New Orleans?Memphis? Outside in the Grand Canyon? San
Fran? A sex club? B&D? S&M? Would I want a 7 course meal with great
wines, drinks and desserts? 3 nights in a spa? A bath in melted
chocolate?

Would I want to finish my tour of all 50 States? Tour of the World?
Dinner with the Dali Lama? Pee on the wailing wall? Kill a man with my bear
hands? (just checking if you were paying attention). Would I want to do a
redo in life? 1 yr? 2 yrs? 5 yrs? 10 yrs? Would I want to be 35? 30? 25? 21
again? 25 was not too bad, I was slimmer and the world was a different
place. Things were good then. I was still free in spirit and time.
Surrounded by different friends that I miss dearly. Granted I almost died that
year, but it was a good year. What would I want? What would I want? Do want
any thing any more in life? Would I wish to finish my degree? One
wish. Its sad I
can't think of one wish for myself. Aladdin had three and I can't come up
with one that I would just enjoy guilt free. This is bad... Its like
I'm thinking of the
would of's , could of's and should of's. Enough of that. No regrets. As for
Birthday wishes, you can't say otherwise it won't come true.

************************************Shift.**********************************************

I've been watching this seasons TV and enjoying some shows; Heros,
Bionic Woman, Pushing up daisys , Smallville, Supernatural and Reaper. All
enjoyable and some will do well some will fall by the wayside. Reaper
reminds me of BRIMSTONE from FOX only much much lighter and funnier. Battle
Star will start soon and I do hope its good. It is its final season. Finish
when your on top. Seinfeld know how to do it (bad ending).
I really need to go out and seen a killer movie. One that will stay with me
for awhile. I have not seen that in quite a bit. The last movie that I
needed to see over and over was Dawn of the Dead. I'm looking forward to
Diary of the Dead by Romero. That should be killer. As far as I understand
its a re-do on the whole zombie legend. The Zombie Diary was not too bad.
That one was from the UK; think 28 days later + The Blair Witch project.
Low budget, but fun.
I have taken pictures all this week of what I have eaten. Its
a hard thing to do. I have only missed photos of 2 meals in the last 4
days. Having the camera at home and at work ready to go when you about to
eat. People at work give me a sideways glance when I take a snap shot.
Portion control is a bear. I'm so used to extra portions, biggie this ,
biggie that and double stacks that a real portion seems so small. Like I'm
being cheated. I saw a photo of MC Donalds sodas in a photo. The photo
showed that what is the mid size soda was one the large soda 15 + years
ago. The small soda became the kids drink everything became bigger. Now
every thing is 32 oz or bigger. Way more that is needed for a meal. I
almost think that people have forgotten what its like to be hungry. Its not
a bad feeling to know. Its hard to control but not impossible. People in
the US want instant gratification. The quick pill "Trim spa baby!!". That
corpse was a spokes person for that pill. How many did she take and how
much lipo? I need to get down to a decent weight or at least lower in fat
%. There is a guy at work that is much shorter than me who had the stomach
band surgery. He is much shorter than me and at one time he weighed close
to 600 lbs. Thats twice what I weigh right now. Thats massive. How much pain
was he in? How was his life? Anyways thats enough for now. Take care.

Peace.

10 print "Hello" , 20 go to 10 ....

It funny on how much one depends on the internet now. I am having trouble
at home with my internet connection. I think I need a new cable modem I
should be live again today or by Friday. Its no big deal, but it feels like
I am partaly cut off from the world. One eye to night. No emails, no quick
view on whats at the theaters, no mapquest,no chats , no stumbling, no
streaming movies and no place to put my thoughts. I was looking at some old
emails that I kept from people, Emails with pictures mainly (even one from
David prowse ((Darth Vader, look it up)). I came to realize I have had an
email in some way shape or form for over 10 years and have been with some
form of computer at my house since 1982. I used to write in basic and
cobol. Both self taught and formal classes. Thats a long time to develop an
interdependance with a technology. Granted I could go to the library or to
the local Mc Donalds or even Buffalo wild wings (they are "Hotspots"). In
theory I could even drop internet access at home and just do that, but I've
grown to want it at home. Please notice I used the word want instead of
need. There are differences. My kids do not yet need it for school. I could
browse outside, check emails and tend to what needs to be done all outside,
but the at home convience will be lost. Its a thought but I might do that.
Perhaps if I can talk the clubhouse to become a hotspot that might help?
Hell I think I could talk them in to droping the $100 needed to do that.
Time to get writing.
**The pictures of my foods are going well. I need to upload what I have
done this week. This week I am focusing in portion control. While some
meals may look large that are typical salads with little dressing or a rice
dish. I've started walking when I get home and some light lifting. Square
one. 6.5/month.

365, 364, 363...

363 days and counting before I turn the dreaded forty years old. Forty times around the Sun since I was born. 14600 times spinning around the Earths axis. I want to finish some goals in the course of 1 year. Physical goals and maybe some mental goals. I want to drop 25% BMI. For me thats about 77 lbs in 1 year. That works out to be about 6.5 lbs lost per month with out the addition of muscle mass. It sounds do able ..... last time I quite because my shoulders were killing me. Truth be told , I was not put together well. I have always had bad joints. Its easy to skip one day, easier to skip two and not even a mention to bypass a week. I need to keep my self mentally motivated. I want to try to learn a new language. The question is what would I like to learn? I could always polish up my Spanish. I can speak it and understand it, but I speak it like an Anglo. The accents are wrong and some of my verbiage and tenses are off. Italian? French? Both are Latin based? Maybe Latin itself? Its a dead language but the root of three modern languages. German? No, no use for it. Chinese? That may be the way to go. One fifth of the worlds population and new Superpower. Also I like the foods. Japanese? would I use it? Probably not but the accents are very similar to Mexican Spanish. Indian? Too many sub dialects. I do like the foods as well. Arabic? Useful ? Maybe is we are in the continuing war.
I would also like to get at least one new tattoo. I do not know what just yet, but I do know I want one. I want to do some alone time camping by my self. 3 days out in the woods. Just me and some time away from the world. I am going to San Francisco for three days but when? I'm too busy to take vacation.... isn't that a laugh.  Too busy to relax.  I need to move "taking time for myself" up my priority list.  I started something new today as well. It's not my idea or even a new idea.  I am going to try to photograph what I eat every day and list it on a blog as well as a picture of my face. These are two items that should be easy to do if I remember.  I'll post what blogs those are if you are that bored and want to see what I'm eating....... The person that I saw the photos of him self took them over a five year period. The food blog photo person did it to lose weight. I thought those were both a keen idea.  As always thanks and take care of your self.....

39 and counting....

Well I've done it .... I've grown older again. Im 39 years old. When I was
a child in 3 or 4th grade I would look forward and see that the year 2000
was 30 years away, a life time away. We are 7 years past that and the clock
never stops. I thought I would never see past 30 if I was lucky. I remember
my dad at 39 looking old. Do I look old to my kids? Some of my joints are
starting to hurt when the weather changes. I'm turning gray when I didn't
think I could. ..... The other think I'm doing is trying to stay young
through my sons. The playtime and movie time, stories and games. I need to
stay young at heart. Now "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!"

6 years.... and we still have the blackeye

We were slapped in the face 6 yrs ago today. Part of the country dies that day. we also came to realize that we were not untouchable. The stabbed us in the heart and hit 3 targets and used 4 of our own planes. 3000+ people lost their lives that day and more continue to die each day from health issues. In the war we have lost over 3000+ soldiers and more continue to die. If you watch the news we are no longer reporting soldiers deaths. Its still going on people . This last Sunday I said good bye to one of my dearest friends and the godfather to my eldest. My 7 year old asked him if he was going to the war. ... Fuck, I'm tired of it. This has lasted longer than WW2 and slowly reaching Vietnam length. 6 Years later and we are no closer in catching bin ladin. What are we going to do if we do catch him. Life in prison? We can't kill him , he would be a martyr to the nut bag cause.... Fuck we are in a no win situation. If we leave Iraq we leave it a breeding ground for anti American camps. If we stay we die a slow death.... any way Never forget and pray for our soldiers both men and women to come home.

nothing of importance

work work work worok work wokr eork ...... it just will not end. the daily grind of people. IN the last week I have done nothing of any importance. Its sad but I feel like I do this 52 times in a week. Nothing. No one wants to hear about my boring existence. The only highlight was a wine party my friend had. We cracked through about 12 or more bottles and people brought lots of cheese. Im not talking kraft singles but well ripend french cheeses , aged goat cheeses, procuttio de parma, olives. I used to work for a Specialty grocery market and my own specialty was wines and cheeses. Man I did not realize how much I had missed the products, the smells and flavors. Wow... I did a quick calculation and I am estimating that on the low end I cut about 15-22,000 lbs of cheese. Thats a lot of cheese......

The kids are down state again visiting gramps and grand ma before the leave for florida again. Im down to having creamed corn and baking power in the fridge. The part that kills me is that I can cook rather well, I am just too lazy to cook for my self. I love cooking for the family but for just me why bother... arrg I want to win the lottery and have food broght to me just like the president..... a quick call and suddenly a hot corned beef sandwich is at your door....

Angels to some demons to others...

What makes a monster? Its not physical. Its not the teeth and claws ; humps
or bumps. look st Quasimodo, stitch, Sidney the sea monster or in life
lions, tigers and bears that are in zoos. A monster comes from inside, the
same place as beauty. A monster is also a relative term as well as the best
horror writers know. Its what transcends the norms of polite society. A
monster is a killer who has no qualms killing men, women or children. Or is
that a hero in certain light? Is that not the same definition we have about
a soldier? A hero in war? A soldier that was only following commands. How
many hero's are monsters when the light goes out? I guess I am writing
about the story I am legend. I will not go in to it too deeply as an
upcoming movie is on its way. Gods and Monsters the different sides of
the same coin. The human heart has such potential for such heights as well
as such depths that we have just started to see. I think thats why I lived
the Hellraiser movies so much. The heights of pleasure and pain are very
similar. Angels to some demons to others. The French call the orgasm le
petite mort - The little death. How wonderfully accurately. Think about the
sounds that people make during the act. Another very depressing monster
movie contains no monster at all as 8mm.The killer in the movie asks
Nicholas Cage if he expected a monster to look like any one else. Fallen
was another fav but thats on a supernatural level of horror. True
Satanists claim that the only commandment for them is Do what thou wilt is
the whole of the law. We bind ourselves in laws to form a polite society.
Some actions and some people are so base that they exist beyond mans laws.
Look at Ossma or the Pope. Both have killed in the name of god. Hitler
killed for an idea. Aum killed for a following as did the Waco cult. I
would kill or die for my kids. Without hesitation. --- why am I writing
about monsters and killings? I am reading a book called The devil in the
white city. Its about a little know serial killer that took place in
Chicago at the height if the Columbian Expo. Great book full of rich detail
and history. Also very very creepy.

Rain rain go away.....

Well the Midwest is flooded out. I expect a plague of mosquito's to
start up any day soon and with that will come the West Nile Virus. I know
its only a minor inconvenience of a power outage here or there. There are a
few people here who are still with out power at their homes. I'm lucky the
power was out and then came back on in a few hours. I was watching my sump
pump want waiting in the dark. That would have been bad. I think I ran out
of pity on those who live next to rivers and they flood. They show these
houses on the news day after day. You know what you are getting in to so
why complain about it. is it because now the news is on? Arrrg People
move away from the flood plain.
There were so many trees down all over in neighboring towns. The old
suburbs of Chicago. "Tree city USA" cities were hit hard. Old trees over
100 years old were felled by heavy winds. It makes you think how fragile
and small a human body really is. Its also surprising how quickly your
world stops. With out power the world gets hard really quick. Food spoils,
lights are out, no more clean or dry clothes with out some real work,
danger can infect the drinking water, No information comes in to you, no
TV, radio, INTERNET. Yes many of you are going to say -"I have a cell
phone, black berry etc.... OK how long is your battery good for? How much
gas do you have in your car? How much cash do you have on hand? No powers
no ATM. No power = No gas at the pump. What survival skills do you have?
The comforts of 21 century living come to a close real quick. I know this
was small scale, but thats how it starts small. Thats where horror lies,
in the uncontrolled situation. Your regular world stops. Alone in the dark.
Zombies in the yard, aliens in the shadows, They've cut the power, the
phones are dead. How long before things get out of hand? In New Orleans it
only took a few days before it all went to Hell. Shots fired in the dark.
People dead in the streets or in homes.
Any ways those are my run away thoughts as the lights were off in my
house.I though similar thoughts at the Y2K and 9/11. My dad instilled a
health paranoia of survival. . I hope everybody is all good. Enjoy the end
of Summer.

medicine...

why does cough/ cold medicine have to taste like ass. I swear I don't ever remember taking something for a cold that has ever tasted decent. A fake orange or bad grape is as good as it gets. It usually makes me gag or feel alittle woozy from taking it. Vicks, formula 44d, niquil, dayquil, etc, etc, thereflu, alkaseltzer. None of these have thrilled me. I almost avoid the medication because of the foul taste. Right now I have a nasty chest thing going on that came up on me in a matter of a few short hours. I went to work and I thought I was ok them WHAM..... I cant breathe. Its not even Fall yet, school just started today and I'm already sick. WOW I cant wait to see what kinds of colds my son brings home from school.....Ahhhhchoooo cough wheezeee.... Any ways I hope you all keep your health. Peace.



Niquil Blues ... Alvin Crow.

Well, gimme a bottle of Nyquil, that restful sleep my body needs
Gimme a bottle of Nyquil, that restful sleep my body needs
Analgesic, decongestant, with an antihistamine

I went to 7-11, the man says "what you need"?
I say "a roll of duct tape and a case of Nyquil please"

Well, gimme a bottle of Nyquil, that restful sleep my body needs
Gimme a bottle of Nyquil, that restful sleep my body needs
Analgesic, decongestant, with an antihistamine

Take only as directed, don't exceed the proper dose
Keep out of reach of children, keep the bathroom cabinet closed

Well, gimme a bottle of Nyquil, that restful sleep my body needs
Gimme a bottle of Nyquil, that restful sleep my body needs
Analgesic, decongestant, with an anti-histamine

They call me Nyquil junkie, I don't know what they mean
But I just can't be satisfied unless my tongue is green

Well, gimme a bottle of Nyquil, that restful sleep my body needs
Gimme a bottle of Nyquil, that restful sleep my body needs
Analgesic, decongestant, with an antihistamine

sick...

it came without warning. bam poom im sick, fever, cant breathe, sneezing, snots... it liker captn tripps. i was told to go home from work by the store manager. now thats when you know your sick..... i'll post later once i get some dope in to me to soothe some symptoms....

Wanderlust...

I have the need to travel and see the world. I have wanted to see all 50
states in the US before I die. I have seen Illinois, Texas, Indiana, Ohio,
Pennsylvania, Florida, Tennessee, Arkansas, Washington, Washington DC,
North Carolina , Kansas, Oklahoma, Nevada, Missouri, Maryland, Virginia,
West Virginia, Wisconsin, Michigan, Iowa, Puerto Rico, Minnesota and
Kentucky. Its 23 out of 53 territories. I need to see some of the larger
square states as well as the smaller states East coast. I have driven
through most of them and spent time in them. Some have been for business
most have been for wanderlust. I want to just drive with the windows open ,
with no deadlines or places that I need to be, no time I have to make. I
have never been close to my extended family so I don't need to visit them.
No cousins to worry about. No Uncles to worry about. I still write to my
grand mother when I can. She's over 90, I think 93 or so. I want to get
the kids in to camping. To have them be able to enjoy travel with out
destination. I thought about buying a pop up or tear drop, but I don't
think the kids are ready for that yet. I think It would be fun.
About 12 years ago I went camping for the first time in my life. I
went to the boundary waters between the US and Canada in Minnesota. It was
for 10 days of canoing, camping , portaging and hanging your food so bears
wont get to it. There were bears, moose, wolves, eagles, beaver and lots
bugs. We would hear the loons at night on the lakes and wolves howl. It was
magical. We could see the Aurora at night. It looked like lights from a far
off city, but there was no city anywhere near us. The skies actually had
starts in them. Lots of stars, more than I have ever seen in my life. The
sky also head countless shooting start whizzing by.
One night my tent mate Dave woke me up and asked for my flashlight. We
looked the the small screen window in to the black. He said I think theres
a bear in camp. I could feel the hairs on my neck stand up in fear. We saw
a video on how to scare bears away if they came to camp. Christ I grew up
in the city; the worse we has was an occasional raccoon in the garbage. The
noise was just a camper that had stepped out from his tent to go pee. I
felt better. I looked at Dave and noticed that he was naked. "What up with
that?" He looked at me and said he always sleeps naked in his sleeping
bag. Freak..... The foods we ate were aw some . From simple peanut butter
and honey sandwiches to fresh clam and pasta. Ahhh your body could feel
nutrition after a day of rowing. I could see and feel what Lewis and Clack
did. The only other people we saw were a troop of girl scouts. I would call
them Women scouts they were awesome. Going through portages and moving
their camps. I need to go back and spend some time in the quiet. Most
people forget what the how loud the quiet can be. Crickets, the pop of a
campfire, the wind on a lake. Some people cant handle that. I miss that. I
hope to see you on the road.

dreamlands

Yawn....Yawn....Yawn
I can't stay awake in the day time. I go to bed at a reasonable hour
(Midnight -1am) and I usually sleep until 730-8am. It seems as I get older
(yes even I get older) I am having a harder night sleeping through the
night. Dreams seem far off and I just can't stay comfortable. I'm jealous
of my kids that sleep through everything once they are knocked out. Even my
pooches stay awake through the night unless they have to be let out. I went
shopping for new mattresses thinking that may help, but nothing thrilled
me. New pillows....Maybe? I'll see whats on sale. What I would really love
to have happen is the quality of my dreaming to improve. I used to keep
journals of my dreams. It filled books and I used to have sketches. Now is
so rare that I even remember a dream let alone be able to write it down. I
hope you all sleep and dream...

Shallow Hal......

I'm glad I found this. Its very similar to a post that I did a few months ago about the ***DOVE*** self esteem fund. This one shows the full body redone in photoshop. Everywoman is beautiful, America and the world has made woman become ashamed of being human. Everyone has "flaws" on their skin, old scars from skating as a kid or her tush is big,small, flat, round and her boobs are low, long small, flat, too pointy with nipples that are pink, tan, brown etc..... ..... I'm going to say it.... I love women. I prefer girls with some curves, but that is a preference not a must have . I love a womans eyes if they are blue, green or brown. I love to make a woman laugh. I love to hear when a woman cums. I love to see a woman smile and look at you and want you back. I love it when a woman can see beauty in herself. That is very rare in most women. Some times when a compliment is paid, they think you are lying. Beauty has to start inside and then flow out. Sure youth has advantages, but young girls can only be pretty. Beauty has to be found with time , self esteem and confidence.

Theres no place like home?

I won a trip through work. Its either going to NY, Vegas , San Fran or
Orlando. I don't want to go to NYC. I still have a feeling like its going
to see a wounded city. A hard scar on Americas face. Its ground zero for
the war and all the sh!t that we are involved in the world. Iraq, Iran,
Afghanistan, the fall of the dollar, 3000+ soldiers dead, WMDs and a
general loss of the shine that America once had. Its almost like visiting a
terminal cancer patient. You wish them the best but you know that its just
keeping them comfortable until the end. I think I'm both angry and scared
about wanting to visit New York. I won't blame you if it does not make
sense sometimes feelings don't.
Visiting Vegas is like visiting a dirty whore. Its all shiny and crowded
but its all there to take all of your money. Shows , gambling, drinks, the
place exists for fun and to empty your bank accounts. I know I would have a
great time there, I have in the past. The lights the girls the money and
sounds of the casinos. If only the sun never came up.... I have friends
that live there as well. They would be nice to visit.
Orlando.....A nice place for the kids, but they are not coming. I don't
want to see the mouse or shamoo. I would not mind gator world and stuff
like that but what else is there????
San Fran??? Alcatraz, sourdough bread, Golden Gate, Lombard street, Haight
Ashbury (dirty hippys!!), The Pacific Ocean. I have friends there as well
who would love to show me around. I know I could visit wineries and some
killer brew houses. Even the gay districts would make fun people watching.
The company used to send people to Mexico they changed that as the company
grew. That would have been fun too. A girl friend of mine said she would
F*(k me if I took her to Mexico. Bad bad bad. She knew the bad thoughts
would stay in my head.... Bad dirty thoughts. She knows how to play it when
she wants to. Its nice to fantasize about it. The could have and would
haves and should have beens. About 12 years ago we used to hang out alot
and I asked her out. She declined the offer....but we remained good
friends.
What to do and where to go?

running low on food......send more cops.

Without the kids at home I've actually been busy(er) with work. Its funny
I've been working on my days off because I have run out of things to do at
home. I had a day off on Tuesday , I woke up early and did the lawn before
it got too hot then I ran in to work. I don't mind doing that but I mind
going to the store to get bread and milk. I'm running out of food in the
house. I have baking supplies but no real food. The house is clean and
clothes are clean but no food. I'm down to three cans of soup, 2 cans of
peaches, 1 case of coke , 1 case of beer, cereal, and a few cans of
chipotle chilies. Not exactly the best combo. I'll go to the store tonight
and resupply. A stick of butter, a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread.
I've ate well for the most part in the last 2 weeks, Grilled pork and
chicken, Corn with zucchini, Italian sausage and quite a few quessadillas.
I stocked up on essencials such as toilet paper and soap but food I just
don't want to make the effort to go buy. I have actually went to sleep
early afew times to avoid making dinner...... Yea its pathetic but don't
act like you have not done that either. I had 2 real stand out meals in the
last 2 weeks. I had Indian food with a friend, and then after driving her
home I had a awesome hot dog from a place I used to go to as a kid. Of
course it was 12:45am , but the dog was only $1.90 with fries. Mustard,
relish and sport peppers. No Catsup in the building not even in packets for
the fries. Salt was in old jelly jars with nail holes in the top. Real old
school style hotdogs with out all the salad you get at the usual joints.
In Chicago you get the weiner on a steamed bun, mustard, onions, relish, a
pickle spear, tomatoes, sport peppers and celery salt. Not bad and just a
little good for you. There is a place called Hot Dougs in the city that
does gourmet dogs. Like Wild boar and duck true polish and lithuanian
sausages. He is a purveyor of encased meats. He also does fries cooked in
duck fat on sundays.......by chance he recieved the first fine in Chicago
for selling foies gras (goose liver pate`). Ahhhh encased meats. If your in
town you can always bring by a pie....... Peace.

the dot and the line

i loved this cartoon , so wonderfuly simple

Beauty

Dirty little monkey ...

Its been awhile and I've owed you a monkey ...... Yes its a dirty monkey , but aren't we all?

Twilight.....

The Sunlight came in through the window. It was not too direct , a soft
glow that filtered in. I got up and let the dogs out and brewed my cup o
joe (double cream double sugar). I went out side in full bed head to grab
that paper. One of the dogs barked to be let back in; its still to early
for them. They ran back up it was way too early for them. The paper, a
smoke and a cup. Its funny when you realize that you have grown up. Its not
when I bought my house or had my kids it was when I can enjoy the quiet in
the morning. You spend your youth trying not to be like your father ,
mother, aunt, uncle but in some strange way you enjoy that you have a
little bit of them inside you. I grew up with out a father. He was in the
house but not involved in my life. He worked 3rd shift and slept in the day
time. I think also that because his English was not that great (or so he
thought) he shyed away from anything to do publicly. My Uncle was my father
figure to me. He took me fishing , in to the city or to a Sox game. He
taught me how to be a man. How to talk as an adult and to other adults. To
try to do what you say you will. In general how to be a stand up guy. My
father is now retired. I get to see him through a new set of eyes. I get to
see him how I wanted him to be for me. He's a really good grandfather. He
loves his boys. Sacrifices were made. Time kept moving and years go by.
Yes it true I am an adult but I don't want to lose my childhood wonder.
I still want to be a kid inside. I like reading comics and watching
cartoons on the television. I also like my coffee and smoke in the
morning.....
I guess it a balance game. Too much one side and your immature if you go
the other way and you become crottachy (sp?). Find your balance point and
stay near it.....

Sad bbq.....

All I ask is that you call..... I had set up a BBQ at my house
yesterday for the guys from my work. Several guys said sure I'll be
there. All but one pulled a no show on me. That part that kills me is
that I spent $35 worth of meat. I had to grill it all so it would not
go bad. I froze what I could. Sausages, bbqéd pork and wings. Thats a
lot of meat. I made guac from tomatoes and peppers from my garden,
sliced cukes soaked in fresh lime juice. Well at least I ate very well
last night. Fuckers could have called it would have saved me some
cash........ I would have still spent it on food just not all on meat.
I hate when customers do the same, have some balls and tell me that
you changed your mind. You do all the work and hustle then they don't
call or show or retun your messages. Its the pussifacation of the
world. No one takes responsibility for them selves. Arrg its just me
bitching. Well I'm off to frolic in a bunch of cooked meat......

Fatty fat fat .....

I found this on youtube... I went to school with this guy and knew him as fat rob. He went from doing this comercial to dancing for the bulls during halftime. He then took all his money form that gig and went to indiana and bought enough fireworks to fill his car, trunk, backseat and front seat. He was busted by the ATF..... The comercial changed to using - I fought the law..... Peace.

I slept in the afternoon and feel better. The last post what a discription on how I felt. I could function if I had too but I had felt confused at work so I went home....

Smokes and cofffee.....

.ɹǝʇɐ1 ʇıq ɐ ǝɔuɐʇsqns ɟo buıɥʇɯos ʇsod oʇ ǝdoɥ ı ʍou pǝq oʇ buıob ɯ,ı .pɐǝ1 ɟo ǝpɐɯ ǝɹǝʍ ʎǝɥʇ ǝʞı1 ʇ1ǝɟ sǝʎǝ ʎɯ .ʇɥbıɐɹʇs ʞuıɥʇ oʇ pɹɐɥ ʇı punoɟ ı .sɹnoɥ 3 pǝʇsɐ1 ʎ1uo puɐ ʞɹoʍ oʇ ob oʇ pǝıɹʇ ʎ11ɐnʇɔɐ ı .sǝʞoɯs oʍʇ puɐ ǝǝɟɟoɔ ɟo sdnɔ 2 pɐɥ ʎpɐǝɹ1ɐ ı ǝɯoɥ ʇob ı ǝɯıʇ ǝɥʇ ʎq .ɥbnoʇ ʎɹǝʌ sɐʍ ʇɹodɹıɐ ǝɥʇ oʇ ʎoq ǝɥʇ ǝʞɐʇ oʇ ɯɐ ǝǝɹɥʇ ʇɐ dn buıʇʇǝb pǝɹıʇ ɯı

Changes ....

It happens every time I go back home,things change. I visit with my
parents at their house. It's not my home any more. Granted many things are
the same but its not my place any more. The neighbor hood has changed and
there are new store fronts have come and gone. I almost feel like a
stranger in a strange land. The houses are all the same but all the people
I have known are gone. Things seem smaller. The park across from my house
used to seem grand and to take for every to walk across now seems small.
The creek behind my parents place was always a bit dirty as creeks go but
now seems choked with plastic bags and litter. The yards connected to the
houses that I knew seem so small. I know I am living in deep suburbia now
but then they seemed a nice size when I was there.
I sat outside their house and smoked a cigarette and listened. I
watched the kids run by smiling and playing. Riding their bikes and
dreaming kid dreams. I hope they can look back and enjoy where they are.
Innocence never lasts.
I went one step further and visited the apartment I grew up in. Well
not inside just the building. That was 100 years ago. I left that building
when I was in the fourth grade. Memories are what you make of them. Things
seem cleaner brighter bigger and thats OK as long as you remember the old
addage.... You can't go home again. Keep your memories intact. I guess
the better one may be ... Home is where you hang your hat.

Summer time blues....

My kids are gone for the whole month. Right now they are down state with
their grandparents. Living a quiet country life on a big plot of land.
surrounded by rural neighbors and corn fields. No 7/11's no Starbucks on
every corner, no mc donnalds every thirty feet, no yuppys. Traffic is
generally very light except during the rush our home,People coming and
going to the coal mine not too far away. It's kinda neat in a Mayberry
kinda way. Very down home people that are nice. I wish I had know my
grandparents. I only knew one, my grand mother on my moms side. Shes 94 or
85 right now. With my kids I am kind of jealous (in a good way). They have
both set of grandparents to know. I miss them but they need this grandma
time.
In one week they will go to Florida to visit their Uncle Joe for two
weeks. Sea World, gator land and a pool in the back yard. Nice Summer. I
wish my Summers as a kid could have been like that. A typical vacation for
us was driving 27 hours straight to Texas in Aug. dealing with the 115
degree heat and visiting cousins and aunts that I don't know or really want
to know.South Texas is right next to Hell. When Its my turn to go there
I'll be well prepared.
As for me Summer for my is the busy season. People have time to come out
and buy cars in to the evening hours. The day light is longer and the temps
are generally OK to go outside. I still have 2 weeks left and I know that
come November I will have 2 weeks left. I really do need to take time for
me to be me. Maybe a solo vacation ? Camping alone? A road trip? That would
be boring.... alone. I guess I don't want to take vacation. When I do I
generally work on the house- repainting, staining, etc etc..... Sorry to
bitch. Its a nice day out and I want to go out and have a beer, grill some
food and fly a kite....
------------------------------------------------
Summer time skirt steak steak --Arracherra (Roll your R's)
Skirt steak (Arracherra) bought in a Mexican Market 5 lbs or more.....
Opened, cleaned (fat removed) and run through a tenderizer
Lime juice (key lime is best)
Cayenne peppers, chipotle peppers
Orange juice
1 Beer
Salt and pepper
a drizzle of oil
Garlic - ??? Sometimes....

Cut the meat so it will fit on to a taco. That is the best size. That way
no knives are needed.

Mix the juices and rubs with the steak
Place in to a storage zip lock bag and hand mix
Leave in the fridge 1-3 hours
The acid from the lime and orange juice further tenderize the steak.

Grill on a hot coal grill (Webber is best)
Do not use a gas grill or I will lose respect for you...
Grill some tortillas , some guacamole, tomatoes , sour cream or nothing at
all and enjoy with a nice beer of preference.

Play with the combo of juices and flavors to what you like... Make it your
own style.

Death might not be so bad.....

Sometimes you lay there and think that death would be an good option. Late
last night before I left work they grilled brats and burgers to celebrate a
managers promotion. I had 2 brats and called it a late night at work. I got
home took a nice shower and chatted on line with finishing 2 beers and a
small pizza bread. 4am my eyes open up and I'm lying there in a cold
sweat. Cramps are going through my guts. I make it to the can and do my
business. This circle is repeated over and over until near 6am. I feel like
someone beat me up during the night. Fever and cramps, bizarre dreams
during the minutes before I have to go again. I'm laying in bed curled in a
ball and thinking that death might not be a bad thing. I've have had
stomach issues in the past so sever that I had to have surgery for it. I
was not too far from that feeling. I have had food poisoning before and it
was not pleasant. I know thats what this was. I don't wish it on anyone.
It feels like a nightmare. I think I drank a whole bottle of pepto.....
Mmmm Now thats tasty.
I'm at work now running on about 3 hours of sleep. I feel better but feel
tired and out of synch with my body. Like I'm renting it and I don't know
the controls. Some liquids in my system today and I'll be OK.

Quick rules
Keep it in the fridge
Wash it
wash after you cut it
cook it all the way through
and keep it clean
serve and eat right away.

Generic rules but these will keep you alive with food.....
Peace

PS Its diet Pepsi and soup for me today.....

Big Monster!!!

Just might be a lovecraft film....... I always hoped they would do somthing bid scale. The last Big big monster movie was Deep Rising. That had a hint of the old school giant monster movies. I'll take that over and Torture movie and day .....

PS I did enjoy Phantoms.... it had a certain quality to it that was scary like The prince of darkness.....

Tasty cakes...

This post is for one person only; I'm have a double chocolate tasty cake
right now. Chocolate filled with a chocolate top.... Direct from the
Jersey/Pa East Coast... Yummy. **Wink Neighbor brought me a box for dog
sitting for them.... Peace.

Happy 4th